Trust The Process

Today has been a very humbling day. I had a doctor’s appointment. As you all know, the first thing you have to do is step on the scale. I almost cancelled my appointment because I did not want to step on that scale.

I have been so frustrated with myself and the way I have been working my program. I keep telling myself I can do a better job.
Well, I’m down two pounds. My blood pressure is the lowest it’s been in four years. My other labs were in the normal range. Of course this COE was not happy because she wanted “better” results on that scale.

My doctor had real talk with me. She is very pleased and pointed out that I am the healthiest I’ve been in four years. She reminded me of how far I’ve come. It turns out, however, that my thyroid is out of whack again and it could be the culprit. My number is twice what it should be. So, we are doing some adjustment with my medication.

Bottom line, I need to constantly remind myself to trust the process and learn acceptance. All I can do is follow my food and exercise plans and leave the rest to my HP. I continue to pray that I will be ready to have my HP remove all my defects of character, especially perfectionism. I also need to adjust my attitude and just be grateful.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for the ability to run one mile.
I am grateful I wasn't bitten by those dogs.
I am grateful for my job.
I am grateful for my sisters.
I am grateful that my vacation is next week.

My food has been okay. I really need to go back to tracking my food on My Fitness Pal. I pray for the willingness to do a better job with portion control.

Sponsorless

It feels weird not checking in with M. Yesterday I almost texted her to let her know I was done eating for the day. I felt the same way when I finished my meal prep for the week. Although it feels weird not having another person to be accountable to, it does feel liberating. I know what to do, so do it! The best part of daily check-ins is my daily gratitude list. It's nice to express gratitude and let another know what you are grateful for. So, I did so this morning on my Facebook page.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for my job, my sisters, my cat, and my home. I am grateful for the will to keep moving forward despite all the adversity going on right now. Someone somewhat got a hold of my debit card information. Luckily, I caught it before my checking account was cleaned out. It has caused a big hassle. Trying to do my best to accept life on life's terms.

Changes -- Part Two

Well, I no longer have a sponsor. Part of me is sad and then other part of me feels such a relief. I loved my sponsor with all my heart but lately I was beginning to resent her. I guess it’s time for a change. She was my sponsor for three years and she’s always been a bit overbearing. I appreciated that she wanted to help me become and stay abstinent. I guess what really annoyed me is that she could not see her part in any disagreement we had. Either I agreed with her or I had a problem.

I know she meant well but it became too much for me. She was like a nagging spouse. It did not matter to her if I had been abstinent when I forgot to check in with her. Yes, I agreed to daily check-ins but you would think after three years forgetting to check in every once in a while when I was busy would not have been such a big deal. It was for her.

I guess I am a bit more tolerant. I sponsored people who missed a few days (and were not working their program) and I did not fly off the handle about it. I miss a day or two here and there (while working my program) and it is a federal offense. Yes, I take recovery seriously but I also believe in treating people like they are adults. When I made any attempt to say anything about her tone, her feelings were hurt. Even my therapist laughed about the time she told me she thought I needed to work on my social skills. I thought it was funny that she wasn’t used to someone being so upfront and direct with her. I started getting the feeling something was going on with her. She is sponsoring like seven people. Where does she find the time for all that?

So, Thursday when I received a text from her that she wanted to speak to me about sponsorship, I prayed and made up my mind it was time to move on. Now, for the tricky part…how to do this without hurting her feelings? I decided to play it cool and let her do most of the talking. I just bit my tongue and agreed. After three years, I know I would get nowhere with telling her how I really felt about the situation. Truth is…I felt like she was giving me an ultimatum. I miss a check in and she wants to hold sponsoring me over my head??? Screw that! I want to do my check-ins because I want to do them for me and my recovery, not because I am afraid my sponsor will drop me.

She gave me this speech about being disappointed. She even had the nerve to tell me she thinks I need to go back to therapy. I told her I did not want to waste her time. I cannot express the sense of relief I felt when the call was done. Even though my ego wanted to say more, my heart was so happy I did not hurt her feelings. A part of me feels kind of bad for being a little deceptive but I know she is way too sensitive for me to tell her I am not giving up on my recovery, I’m just sick of her sh*t!

We'll see where this journey leads now...

Changes

First, I would like to be more consistent it updating this blog for two reasons:

1. It is good for me to write, instead of eat, about what is going on in terms of my relationship with food and recovery.

2. I see maintaining this blog as service. I am not sure how many people read it but I do remember, as a newcomer, searching online for OA blogs and being very frustrated. I don't know, not that it is any of my business, if people just stop working the program or just no longer found it necessary to maintain their blogs. Anyhow, I want to do it for anyhow who is out there searching. There are people who continue working the program, one day at a time, for a long time.

I have been having a few struggles lately. I do not deal with change, especially chaotic change, very well. I did my best to have a positive attitude when my manager moved on. I am not digging my new manager at all. She's messy (repeats what others have said) and she's non-communicative. She does not respond to our emails. I think she likes drama. This is making a very frustrating and annoying work environment. I continue to look for ways to let it go and just do my job. It is what it is. The stress only drives me to crave crap that is not good for me. On top of this, I also have to deal with changes to my part-time job.

Last week I mindlessly ate four Odwalla bars before I knew it. This is a huge red flag to jumping back on that binge wagon.

So what was my word for the day yesterday? Acceptance. Whatever comes my way, accept it, especially if it is something you cannot change. I also accept the fact that I need to change something I have to take action.

Today my word is impermanence. Life is always moving and changing. The best thing I can do is stay in the moment. This is the place I find peace and joy.

I have been saying a prayer to release resentment for about three weeks now. I am determined to say it each day until the thoughts dissipate. I realize that past resentments are beginning to creep to the surface because I need to deal with my character defects. Recovery is an ongoing process. At first a started beating myself up about these defects. Now I have accepted that they have resurfaced for me to learn whatever it is I need to learn, heal, and keep moving on.

I found some Step 7 worksheets online and used them to help me get started. I've used the OA workbook in the past. I just felt lik doing something a little different:

7) Humbly asked Him (God) to remove our shortcomings.

What shortcomings? The “exact nature of our wrongs” in step 5 is expressed in terms of “defects of character” in step 6, and offered up to God for removal as “shortcomings” in step 7. Bill Wilson, when asked why he used three different sets of words to define character defects, said it was to avoid repetition. Therefore, he intended that there be no significant distinction. Some members waste time needlessly by differentiating the three expressions, which we term, simply, as character defects.
When step 5 is performed well, we leave with a list of our character defects. In step 6 we progressively become willing to have these removed from us, and in step 7 we pray that they might be.
Make a grid similar to that below, and list your defects of character in it. If an example we have entered applies to you, let it remain. If not, replace it with one of yours that is not listed.

Character Defect Willingness to have removed

Perfectionism Almost willing
Anger Absolutely willing
Dishonesty Absolutely willing
Fear Absolutely willing
Resentment Absolutely willing
Arrogance Give me more time
Ego Absolutely willing
Selfishness Absolutely willing
Pride Almost willing
Impatience Almost willing

Willingness for removal. We have identified five possible levels of your willingness to have each character defect removed. These are:
1) Already removed
2) Absolutely willing
3) Almost willing
4) Give me more time
5) Never


As you know from reading the 12&12, our stubborn insistence to “never” allow a defect to be removed must, itself, be removed.
If your willingness level for any item is not 1) or 2), you will want to repeat the exercise again later.


ASSIGNMENT AND QUESTIONS ON STEP SEVEN
Read step seven in the OA 12 &12 or p.76 in the Big Book and answer the following questions.

1. What is your definition of humility and how does it differ from humiliation?

My definition of humility is admitting that I need help and guidance in my life. My way of doing things has made a mess of my life…that is humiliation. In order to live a peaceful, serene life, I need help and guidance. Humility is asking for this help.

2. Why do you want to have your shortcomings removed?

I want the shortcomings removed because I want the suffering to end. I know I can have a much happier life without them.

3. Have you made a list of your shortcomings? Please share about one of them and any insights you have about it.

Arrogance. My arrogance has led to a lot of trouble. While I honestly thought I was making good decisions, I can know see it was my own arrogance and ego that clouds my judgment.

4. What positive trait do you want to develop or substitute for that shortcoming?

Self-confidence. I think my arrogance comes from a lack of self-confidence. I was expected to know the answers. I had a tremendous amount of responsibility dumped on me as a child. If I made a mistake, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I use arrogance to mask my insecurity.

5. Which of your character defects do you think helped you survive in the past?

My pride. My pride and ego have been my driving force.

6. How willing are you to make changes and what can you do to show your willingness?

Right now. I don’t know. I feel I was willing in the beginning but I have grown impatient. I am not sure what I can do to show my willingness.

7. How do you think that becoming ‘right-sized’ would help you in navigating your way through life?
Truthfully, I do not think it would help. No matter which size I am if I still have the same C.D.s my life will not be peaceful.

8. Can you visualise yourself as the person you will be without the character defects you found? How will you think, act and feel?

Truthfully, visualizing myself with my C.D.s makes me a little uneasy. Even though I have seen how much easier life can be when I choose God’s will over my own, there is a part of me that still feel uneasy and untrusting about the process.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago there was an incident with my ex, I did not react or engage. I know it was the best thing to do. There is still a part of me that feels passive and abused like I am not sticking up for myself.


Then say the following 7th step prayer from the AA Big Book every day for one week.

SEVENTH STEP PRAYER: My Creator, I am now willing that You have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to You and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding. (Seventh Step Prayer - Page 76 of the Big Book)

Resentment

Today was a pretty rough day. I feel like I have the sore that has barely healed and someone just came along a ripped off the scab. Thankfully, I chose to respond rather than react. I spent some time this afternoon reading Chapter Five in the Big Book. I also prayed a prayer to release resentment.

I am so grateful I did not pick up the phone a yell and scream like I really wanted to. I did eat like crap for dinner. Instead of a meal, I ate two protein bars, pretzels, and strawberries. I am not going to beat myself up about it. I could have done a better job. I could have been worse too.

...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wow! Today I had a wake up call about how very important it is for me to take care of myself. I heard from a former coworker who I haven’t been in touch with for over 20 years. We had some fun times together. I remember the day he got very sick at work and found out he had type 2 diabetes. I didn’t know about compulsive overeating, sugar addiction, and OA at the time.

He was having such a hard time eating healthy foods. He wasn’t taking very good care of himself and kept ending up in the hospital. In hindsight, I suspect he’s a compulsive overeater and a sugar addict. I remember calling him up one day and he was baking a cake! This was a few weeks after being released from the hospital! Anyhow, I just found out that last year, he had one of his legs amputated.

What a reality check about the perils of sugar addiction and overeating! Therefore, but for the grace of God, go I. Seeing how much he (and others) struggled with eating and health wasn’t enough to stop me from getting diabetes. Even though my diabetes has been under control for years, it is still very important that I eat healthy foods and exercise my body on a regular basis. It will also help to be as close to a healthy body weight as possible. I have the knowledge and support to keep myself healthy. I just have to use it and surrender the rest to the God of my understanding.

I am so very grateful for OA and my recovery right now. It would be so easy to reach for sugar. I confess I’ve been thinking about it. I have been so uncomfortable for the last few days. I am grateful it has also been easy for me to reach out to my sponsor and others for help. One of my biggest fears is being so out of control with my eating. I also have a few that I will get sick from diabetes and one of my limbs will be amputated. I know I do not have cling to this fear as long as have faith in my God and continue working my program – one day at a time.

Romanticizing the Food

I’m having a hard time right now. I just reached out to my sponsor who gave me the inspiration for this writing. She made an observation that I was “kind of romanticizing the food.” She was being kind. There is no “kind of” about it. I’m having a love affair with all the memories of my compulsive overeating and bingeing. Yet, I’m only romanticizing part of the story --the sugary sweet highs while ignoring all the yucky diarrhea, high blood sugar, and excess fat lows.

What I need to remind myself about is the ugly part of my food romance. I can start by remembering how out of control I was, having cupcakes and boxes of Crunch and Munch with coffee for breakfast. Yeah, got a rush, a rush of diarrhea that wouldn’t stop me from continuing onto bags of potato chips and hunks of cheese for lunch. Dinner usually consisted of pizza or some other takeout food. I would end the day feeling stuffed and miserable. It didn’t stop there. Then, I’d have a huge bowl of popcorn with lots and lots of butter. In between these “meals” I would eat jelly bellies and Mike and Ikes. I would often wake up in the middle of the night to have ice cream and chips or more buttered popcorn. Sometimes I’d even go out for a French fries run.

I could barely move. I had trouble walking up and down the stairs in the house. I could barely go anywhere that required a lot of walking. It was a struggle for me to find clothes and shoes that fit.

While I thought I enjoyed eating all that food, I was actually miserable. This is what the Buddhist call “dukkha” or suffering –the endless cycling of craving and aversion. I crave sugary sweet to avoid feeling uncomfortable.

Right now, I want to avoid feeling yucky. I think I’m just tired from all this swimming I’ve been attempting to do. I’ve been in the pool four days straight. While I’ve been having fun, it is hard work.

Anyhow, going forward, I plan to be more balanced when it comes to my food cravings. When I reminisce about all the so-called “good” about being in the food, I also need to remember all the misery.

The Phenomenon of Craving

Today I read “The Doctor’s Opinion” in the AABB. I’ve read it a couple of times but today the phrase “phenomenon of craving” jumped out at me. As the good doctor described, after just one drink, this phenomenon of craving begins in the alcoholic. He or she cannot stop with just one drink. As a compulsive overeater, I can definitely relate to this type of craving. Yes, there are certain food items, no doubt, that if I had just one bite, I would not be able to stop eating. This is what differentiates the way I eat certain food items from the normal eater. For today, I am reminded that I am a compulsive overeater. I have a dis-ease, an addiction to certain foods, and, as “The Doctor’s Opinion” reminds me, the only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. AABB, Fourth Edition, xxx.

Intuition

Today I am thinking about intuition. This has come up for me during therapy and life coaching a few years ago. It also comes up in our Tuesday night discussions about meditation. A couple of days my sponsor said something that reminded me of those lessons about using her intuition.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped trusting my intuition. I could speculate on why it happened but it really doesn’t matter. What is important is regaining my confidence in this area. This is yet another reminder about how essential my meditation practice is to my life and recovery.

My therapist would always say, trust your gut.
My life coach’s question would often be, how did it feel in the body?
At the meditation retreat I learned how to focus on the subtle sensations in the body.

While writing, I am reminded about something that always touches me when read during OA meetings – The Promises.

The Promises

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

The line about intuition always speaks to me. This just goes to show that answers are all around if I would just pay attention.

Impermanence

Last night I was meditating on my latest lessons regarding letting go. It’s amazing when you realize that all the answers you know are already there, if you will just listen. My answer – impermanence. I spent so much time last fall meditating and learning about impermanence, Anicca, while on that silent meditation retreat. This is my overall lesson and answer to the end of suffering in this area.

My faith has taught me to let go and let God. The Big Book reminds me that acceptance is the answer. My truth is that I have a huge problem accepting change. As soon as I accept that the nature of life is impermanence and flux, I will not have the struggles with wondering why certain things have happened. I just need to go with the flow and accept what is….

Letting Go

Letting Go

Lately I have been dealing with lessons in letting go. One of my sponsees has been MIA for a while now. After trying to contact her a few times, I finally gave up. I was very frustrated and angry about it for a while. It triggered feelings I had about my ex too. I really do not understand people who can just walk away and not say a word. I am left wondering what happened. There is a huge part of me that is hurt because I feel it says something about how much the person did not value our relationship. All I can do it try not to take it personally and keep moving forward. I eventually let go of the hope that I would hear from this sponsee. It’s been months now.

Once I came to terms with this, my other sponsee stopped checking in. She had been inconsistently checking in for a while. When I approached her about the possibility that maybe I was not the sponsor for her, she recommitted. Then, the inconsistency started again. I started feeling like I wasn’t really doing a very good job supporting her because she kept procrastinating about her 4th step. I even told her that she didn’t have to share it with me right away. I just wanted her to complete it. I’ve been in OA for almost three years and I’ve seen so many people that have not completed the steps. There are people in my face-to-face that have been there before I joined and they still haven’t completed the steps. While I am not judging, I do think that being committed to working the steps is the key to recovery. This is just my observation.

Anyhow, I shared with my sponsor that I was beginning to get angry because this sponsee just stopped checking in. I was doing my best to work the steps, show compassion, and be patient. I knew my anger and frustration was the dis-ease. I know her absence is just the dis-ease, however, I do feel that there is a certain amount of communication that comes along with sponsorship. If you’re struggling and you cannot reach out to your sponsor, something is terribly wrong. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I have struggles too. All I expect is an honest effort. I do not expect more from anyone that I am not willing to give. This is where I come from in any type of relationship. My sponsor is a lot less tolerant with these things. She would have dropped her like a hot potato a long time ago. In fact, she gentle suggested that perhaps it was time to let go of this sponsee too.

This is where I have to do a lot of self-reflection. So many things about my sponsorships remind me of my past relationship – codependency. I want so much to be fair to people and treat them the way I want to be treated. It doesn’t seem to end that way. I would want someone to be patient with me. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. Yet, I find myself wanting more for a person than she wants for herself. This happened with my ex, this happened again with my sponsees. I hang in there with them and then they just disappear without a word.

What’s the lesson in all this? I do not know. I do know I am the common denominator and if I’m doing something wrong I would like to figure out what

I Need An Intervention!

I have been struggling this week. I feel like I’m slip, sliding away…. I did some soul-searching last night. There is not one thing I can put my finger on. I know it’s just my dis-eased thinking. I can’t seem to let go of my self will. I realize that I do not trust my HP. I want to be in control. I feel like I try to do what is right and I do not get what I think I deserve in return. If I’m honest with myself, I know that is not true. However, the dis-ease seems more powerful these days. I allow it to wreak havoc on my thoughts. I know the thoughts are not real yet they overwhelm me.

I say I want peace and no drama in my life yet I feel bored with the day-to-day humdrum of working my program. What else do I need to do? I have a great life. I have so many things to be grateful for. Why is that not enough? Why do I think eating a bag of jelly beans is going to make me any more happy than I already feel? I do not have many complaints in my life right now. It all boils done to my weight. When I take inventory that is the only thing I want to change right now. OA says it’s really not about the weight. If so, then what is it?????? Whatever it is, I need to fix it and fix it fast before I do something stupid!
I do not like the space I’m in right now. I’m getting ready to travel and so many thoughts are going through my head, obsessive thoughts about food and other crap. I need an intervention!

Today’s topic: There is nothing to lose in seeking the God of my understanding except my false pride, my food obsession, my fat and all the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. ~For Today, p. 32
I overslept and missed my f2f meeting so I attended an online meeting this morning. I love today’s topic. I know it was all in divine order that I attend this meeting.

First of all, I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Overworked and overtired is not good for this compulsive overeater. I haven’t been making the best food choices lately. While I haven’t turned to my binge foods, I haven’t been eating really healthy foods either and I have been drinking more caffeine than usual. These choices start a vicious cycle – lack of sleep, poor food choices, yucky workouts or I skip them, anger at myself for not being perfect, anger and impatience with others and situations, and then I beat myself up…. It goes on….

Earlier this week I found myself debating on whether or not I should just give up, buy a bag a jelly beans, and accept that I will continue abusing food and my body for the rest of my life. Thankfully, I reached out to my sponsor and her response was exactly what I needed to hear: I’m sorry the disease is talking to u… This was exactly the moment of clarity I needed. I had been sitting at my desk, not having a conversation with myself, but my irrational dis-ease. I took a deep breath and made a cup of tea. As soon as I was done with work for the day, I rushed to my meditation cushion.

There’s a Zen saying: You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes every day - unless you're too busy; then you should sit for an hour. My usual meditation time is 30 minutes. For the past couple of weeks, I have whittled it down to 15 minutes. There have been really busy days when I have skipped it. So, I set my timer for 30 minutes and sat my butt on my cushion. I have been meditating for 30 minutes a day since then. I so need this daily time of stillness. This is my time to spend in quiet contemplation with the God of my understanding.

Yesterday I realized how I have managed to slip back into little habits that have been upsetting my inner peace. If my mind is chaotic, it will begin manifesting on the outside. If my relationship with Spirit is not strong, then my program begins to weaken. I am grateful for today’s reminder to cultivate my spirituality and all the physical aspects of this dis-ease can (and will be) healed.

One I am in alignment with Spirit, I can see things as the truly are. Just this morning, I was about to get upset about something when I realized it was just my bruised ego and had nothing to do with the other person. I need to mind my own business. I have my own life to manage and right now I have plenty to work on. I have been too caught up in illusions instead of enjoying the realities in my life. I have much to be grateful for.

My False pride. I admit that I have allowed false pride and my ego to get in the way of my progress lately. Things do not have to be perfect, Sheila. All I need to do is try my best and leave the rest to Spirit. I also need to stop feeling sorry for myself when things do not go my way. Once I admit that I am still clinging to old beliefs that no longer serve me, I can do what needs to be done. Change can sometimes be very uncomfortable, but that’s okay. It’s okay to have high standards for myself. I just need to make sure they’re realistic. For example, I beat myself up over getting anything less than an A in my nutrition class. I have to remind myself that learning the material is what is important. It’s not like I’m taking the course for college credit anyhow.

My Food Obsession. I haven’t had a jelly belly in over two years. What would possess, yes, possess me to start thinking about them now??? My recent thoughts about food are nothing more than a reflection of my spiritual fitness. The healthier my spirituality, the fewer obsessive food thoughts I will have. Just as I have learned that my physical health must be maintain on a daily basis, the same goes for my spiritual health.

My Fat. I haven’t weighed myself in two weeks. I know that as long as I keep working my program the weight will come off. Sometimes I am so frustrated. I have lost over 80 pounds but can’t seem to get rid of these last 40 or so pounds. I will keep working my program and leave the rest to my Higher Power. I will not give up hope!

I love the last phase in today’s topic: …the life-destroying illusions that this illness breeds. I could go on and on but the plain and simple of it is that I have an illness when it comes to food. It is a spiritual illness and the only remedy is the God of my understanding. Unless I rely on my God, I will dwell on the sick illusions that will continue to multiply. I have seen the evidence of this during the past couple of weeks. It started with dwelling on the past which lead to the insomnia which lead to my body and mind being tired which lead to me not going to the gym as much which lead to cravings for sugar and salt to feel better which lead to feels of anger toward myself and impatience with others which led to my inability to meditate and so on and so on and so on…. For me, the God of my understanding is the only antidote.

Forgiveness

Step 2 Writing

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

During today’s meeting we read Step 2 in the OA 12 + 12. I’ve read this chapter many times yet today so many things struck me. It started last night. I realized that my HP, God, has been speaking to me through so many people this week. First it was a quote one of my friends on Facebook posted:

"Relationships never end, because they're of the mind; only bodies can separate. When you're missing someone, know it just means that on a soul level they've come to visit." ~ ♥ Marianne Williamson

This quote was right on time! Earlier that morning I had been thinking about my mother, missing her so much, and beating myself up about it. She made her transition in 1998! So this quote shifted my perspective from thinking that I was hopelessly still mourning my mother’s transition to something very powerful and positive.

The second message came when I shared a thought I have been having lately with my sponsor. I have been very frustrated with myself because I have been obsessing about food, what I can’t have, what I want, why I have to measure my food, why I should continue keeping a food journal, etc. I have been seeing all these wonderful ideas about things to serve at Super Bowl parties and thinking I can’t have any of it. Anyhow, I questioned why I was still having all these thoughts when I thought abstinence was all about the elimination of obsessive food thoughts. My sponsor wisely replied that she occasionally has these thoughts and that they will go away in HP’s time. Again, a shift in my perspective –I want things to happen in my time -- which I have no control over anything. Let go, let God! As a result, for the remainder of the week, I have had the most peaceful time working my food plan.

Thursday was Spin class. Even though I was tired all day, I was so looking forward to it. For whatever reason, class was very hard for me. Fifteen minutes into it I thought about getting off the bike and leaving. Instead, I closed my eyes and kept going. I made it through class and even made some improvement. The instructor advised me to take note of our average RPM each class. Last week I was at 51, this week it was 55. Yet, I was feeling so down and discouraged, telling myself I was way too fat and out of shape for this class. When the instructor said we should be going at least 70, I was at 50, and so on. I was struggling with the resistance, too! The previous week she advised me to focus on resistance and the speed would come. Yet, I still felt discouraged. As I was leaving, she smiled at me and said good job. I went to my car and cried. Part of it was feeling sorry for myself, I also felt embarrassed that she probably noticed how much I was struggling, the rest was gratitude. I needed some encouragement at that time.

Then, last night, out of the blue, one of my fitness pals wrote a comment on my page – “the old you would envy the new you.” I have no idea, except that it was God, why he wrote that. While I would say “admire instead of envy”, he is exactly right. The old Sheila is so very proud of the “new” Sheila. Here was yet another angel, another reminder to just keep doing what I am doing and leave the rest to God. Each time I had some crazy, off-the-wall thought, my Higher Power was right there to set me straight and restore me to sanity. I am very grateful for a very peaceful, abstinent week.

Hope

Step 1 Writing

How willing am I to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable?

Joining OA was a great eye-opener for me. I had a very hard time admitting I was powerless over food. I was raised to believe I could conquer anything. Self-reliance was a HUGE part of my belief system. I was taught that I worked hard I could overcome anything. To a certain degree, I still believe this. However, when it comes to food, I have made some adjustments to my beliefs.

I thought admitting I was powerless meant I was admitting I was weak. Through working the steps I have learned the two are not synonymous. I have no control over my addiction and attachment to certain food and food behaviors. Trying to control something that is uncontrollable is insanity!

When I finally realized my eating was out of control, I did my best to gain control. I did a great job for a while. Willpower worked. I lost weight. When my relationship failed, so did my willpower. I found myself diving back into the food despite my best efforts. I knew I had a choice but I kept making unhealthy choices anyhow.

So, I am willing to admit that I am powerless over food and that my life is unmanageable by working the steps and attending OA meetings. I keep a food diary and check in with my sponsor every day. For the longest time I resisted writing down what I ate. Eating, overeating, was my private ritual. Being accountable to someone for what I eat every day is one way I demonstrate my willingness.

I also had to admit there were certain foods I could no longer eat. I have been willing to give up eating some of my “favorite” foods – potato chips, Crunch and Munch, jelly bellys, Mike and Ikes, cake, and cupcakes, and cookies.

Making a connection between how my overeating was more difficult. I was really hard for me to see how my relationship with food had affected my relationship with people. I became willing to admit there were times I chose food over people. I chose to steal and sneak other people’s foods. I chose to stay in alone and eat instead of going out with others to socialize. I am willing to admit there have been times I have been so focused on the food I was eating that I wasn’t very present during meals or social events. As a result, my relationships with people suffered.

I know have a food plan that helps me stay on track with abstinence and recovery. I make sure I read For Today every day to remind me that I need constant guidance when it comes to my relationship with eating and food. I am willing to check in with my sponsor before and after meal, when necessary. I am willing to identify myself as a compulsive overeater. I am willing to go to meetings. I am willing to reach out to others. I am willing to listen and be of service to other COE’s. I am willing to work the step and my program on a daily basis.

Introduction to Human Nutrition

I'm so excited about the online course I'm taking -- Into to Human Nutrition. It's a course through the University of Florida and Coursera. I received 90% on my Week One quiz and I just completed my Week One assignment. I hope I figured out how to copy and paste it here to share. We also have to track our food and do a weekly assessment of our nutrition. I'm learning so much about nutrition that I know will help me maximize my health and get to a healthier body weight.

Mindfull or Mindful

I saw this photo on Facebook and it speaks so much to what's going on with me right now:

I’m not doing so well today. I’m still dwelling on yesterday. I realize I made a mistake. I went to Subway (no big deal). I’m still upset with myself because I think I should have ordered a 6-inch instead of a footlong. Even though I only eat veggie and cheese, my action plan while eating out is to eat less. I shared how I felt last night with my sponsor. I’ll see how my sponsor responds to my check-in. Usually things that I beat myself up about she doesn’t see the same way. Hopefully I can gain some perspective.

I’m also not happy with myself because I didn’t go to the gym or workout yesterday. One of my goals this year is to be more consistent with my exercise and food plan. However, I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time. I can’t do anything about the choices I made yesterday but I can be mindful of today’s choices.

Monday's Moment

Let it Be!

It's not a matter of letting go—you would if you could. Instead of "Let it go," we should probably say "Let it be." ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn




Yesterday it became very apparent that it is time to release yet a few more people from my social circle. I was upset with this person for mentioning my ex. I was upset with myself for being upset about the mention of my ex. It’s been over three years. It doesn’t matter where I want to be. I must accept where I am. I’m done judging myself about it. It is what it is.


This morning I’m in a good space about it. I’m a little worried about what is going to be said when and if they figure it out. I can’t worry about that. I have to take care of me. I have spent more than enough time considering the feelings of others over my own. While I do not think there was anything wrong with that, now I’m at a space in my live where I need to treat myself with more love and compassion.
While there are some things I realize I have to just learn to deal with, this annoyance is optional and the best thing to do is just get rid of it. It’s not fair to others or myself to expect things to be a certain way.


So, this morning, with love and compassion for all concerned, I release and let it be.
Resentment, bitterness, anger, and any other unnecessary negative emotion is detrimental to my recovery. For today, I am willing and committed to loving and taking care of myself.

I just listened to a great podcast that offered me a great reminder about ego, attachment, and suffering. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. My reaction to things is merely a barometer of the size of my ego. All I want to do is stop the cycle of suffering! The lesson is to continue paying attention to my triggers and taking the next right action.

Issues in Control

Lessons in Control For the past couple of weeks I’ve really had to take steps not to want to control people, places, and things. I’ve great reminders that I have control over no-thing! The first situation involves one of the persons I sponsor. I haven’t heard from her since the holidays began. While I hesitate to rush to judgment about what this means, I think I know what’s happened. She also went MIA during the Halloween and Thanksgiving holidays. I do my best to give the people I sponsor their space and dignity to work their programs. I am merely an instrument and guide. However, I am VERY annoyed that it’s been over a week and she has not returned my call or bothered to send me an email. I know it’s the dis-ease. We can do very hurtful, thoughtless, selfish, and destructive things to ourselves and others. Yesterday I found myself taking all this very personal. It’s not about me. I know she’s probably in a lot of pain and the best thing I can do is pray for her and wait for her to reach out.

The other one concerns my family. They are so out of control it’s not funny. I’m very frustrated with everyone in my family right now. The best thing I can do is distance myself a bit. There’s nothing I can do about any of it. I’m not even ready to start writing about what’s going on.

Then there’s my meditation group. I love my little sangha. As I was thinking about the things I’d like to contribute to the group, I really want everyone to be more disciplined about meditation and I think our discussions need more structure. I also want to get away from guided meditation. If we are saying we practice Vispassana meditation, we need to practice it correctly. Since attending the meditation retreat, I see how our group has many opportunities to improve. While I do not consider myself a meditation teacher, I do believe I can share what I’ve learn. Anyhow, I did less guiding in our meditation session last week. When I asked for feedback about the session, I learned some are not even meditating on a regular (I’m guilty too). Anyhow, all week I have been contemplating whether or not I’m going to bring this up during tonight’s meeting. I feel it’s important to say something. HOWEVER, I feel that part of my motivation is based in a need for control instead concern.

I am very grateful for the awareness I have about my need to control people, places, and things. I do think it’s hard to see opportunities and not what to see improvements in things. However, all I can do is focus my opportunities and areas of improvements. So, I will work on my program so that I am a spiritually fit sponsor, I will stop taking inventory of my family members, and I will continue working on my meditation practice and lead by example.

Motivational Monday

Chips

Well, this year is certainly off to a rocky start! My stomach was upset all day today and all I wanted to smoothe whatever is troubling me is a huge bag of potato chips. I've been abstinent for over two years and these cravings and urges still hit me like a Mack truck! I did what any willing compulsive overeater would do. I reached out to my sponsor and told her what I was thinking. I believe as long as I'm honest and tell my sponsor what I'm plotting it makes it more difficult to follow through with my thoughts. My sponsor helps me stay accountable to my program. I am so grateful for the willingness to do the right thing. I am bound and determined to get to my healthy goal weight this year. The only way I'm going to get there is by being honest and working the steps. More than anything else staying abstinent is about my spiritual fitness in addition to my physical fitness. The only chips I will have are my OA chips. I'm looking forward to getting my 3-years chip in October!

Monkey Mind

I really wonder what the Universe is trying to say. I don’t know if this is a test or what!?! Yesterday was a pretty rough day after that dream about my ex. Today has been great. I thought I lost my Fitbook but someone left it at the desk at the gym. Hooray! I was elated! I was off this morning to go to the lab for bloodwork and run some errands. I stayed on plan and didn’t stop to eat out. Yay! Now, I'm working this afternoon and I receive an email from someone with the same first and last name as my ex. WTF! The mind is all over the place! I thought I’d done all the forgiveness and release from resentment work that I needed to do…in fact, I have been feeling pretty neutral about the past … until that dream. I guess there’s more work to do. Going to meditate on this….

What a Nightmare!

Today got off to a yucky start. I had such a horrible dream about my ex. This cloud of sadness has been hovering over me all day. I am grateful I haven’t turned to food or sugar for comfort. Instead, I shared how I was feeling with my sponsor (huge for me) and I had a great workout at the gym. I pray my ex is okay. I acknowledge that I wish we were friends and accept that it is not a good idea. I also take this as a good opportunity to practice not creating extra stories. It was just a dream. I also pray that if something is going on with my ex that God will take care of it.

New Year, New Action Plan

Happy New Year! Today I made a second attempt at my new eating out action plan. I’m happy to say I was able to eat half of my meal and put the other half in a to-go box. I also ordered a side salad. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. In fact, I’m really having a hard time right now. I want to go into the kitchen and eat the other half! Instead, I decided I would do some writing … maybe I’ll uncover something. It’s not like I’m still hungry. I'm fine. I think there’s something about eating out that triggers the compulsive overeater in me. Let's face it, I like to eat out. I prefer eating out to eating at home. It’s taken me a while, a long while, to get used to having most of my meals at home. So I think just the idea of restaurant food triggers something in me. As I was driving home, I thought about how great I felt considering I didn’t my entire meal. This was proof positive that I can be okay with eating less food than I am currently consuming. Plus, it’s almost a given that most restaurant portions are enough for two or three people. So, even though I’m still obsessing about that to-go box sitting in my kitchen, I am very grateful to God and my sponsor for all the help I have in maintaining my abstinence. As I begin the new year, I have set the intention that I would like to end the year at my healthy weight. There's no way I will reach that go if I choose my self-will and go in the kitchen and touch that box! If it's going to be that big of a deal, I'm just going to have to put it in the trash!