Keep Coming Back!

Great meeting today. I had a nice long chat with someone who has over 20 years abstinence. She reminded me that abstinence isn't about the weight loss. She also shared that even now she will often weigh and measure her food. I truly felt she understood where I was coming from. This is the one thing I love about my home meeting.

Anyhow, she shared some great experience. She invited me not to be afraid to experiment with my food plan. This frightens me a bit because it took me a while to get to a place where I am not always obsessing about my next meal. I'm a creature of habit and believe that if it's not broke don't try to fix it. However, my food plan, as it is, is not working for me. I do want to release at least 40 more pounds.

I like what she shared about recording how different foods react in the body and in the mind. I could have some food sensitivities. Even though a certain food isn't a trigger food, it may not metabolize efficiently in my body.

I talked to my sponsor about it and she's willing to support me in added this to my food diary.

I also have an appointment with a nutritionist in two weeks.

So, I guess I'm not dropping out of OA and going on a diet.

Going Through the Motions

I’m been having a rough time this week. I am been full of self-pity. I am not happy with the fact that I haven’t lost any weight in months. Although my sponsor does her best to reassure me, I really have to question whether or not I’ve been abstinent. I haven’t been losing any weight. My food plan is designed for me to be working toward a healthy weight.
The truth is I have not had one bite of my trigger foods and I have been working out on a regular basis. However, I could do a better job with my portions. There are days I am lazy about pulling out the measuring cups and spoons. I also need to go back to a strict rule of no eating after 9 pm. I think I need to add getting adequate sleep to my action plan. I haven’t been sleeping well. Fatigue is a huge trigger for me. When I’m tired, it is much more difficult to stay present.

I have been dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. This is a major no-no for me. I need to be present in order to work the steps. If not, I’m just going through the motions. So far this week, I think I have been going through the motions.

I also realize I’ve gone out three times this week. This is odd for me. However, I haven’t felt like spending my evenings home alone. Tonight when I was driving home I really questioned my behavior this week. Do I really want to socialize or am I running away from being alone? Truthfully, I am not sure. I do know that I haven’t been very present this week. Once I get centered, I will be able to get in touch with my true feelings.

Bad Dreams

I just had a dream, no, I had a nightmare about my ex! I don’t know where those emotions came from. It’s the weirdest thing. I guess it’s because I was thinking about how much things have progressed for me.
Last night, after a meeting, someone said it has been nice watching me grow in program. This was the second time I heard that this week. I led a meeting on Saturday and someone approached me and said the same thing.
So, I guess that nightmare was my subconscious’ way of letting me know I still have more growth to do. Lol! It was the most vile and violent dream I’ve had in ages. There are no words to describe how sick that relationship was. It’s over now. I’m just so glad it was a dream and not reality.

Right now I am working on acceptance. I am accepting that it was just a dream. The mind immediately wants to analyze and all that crap but I’m not going there! I’m not going to the kitchen either!
Hopefully, I can get back to sleep….

One Year

It's been exactly one year that I have been living alone.

I wish I had something interesting or profound to say about it. I've been thinking about all day today. For the most part, I have been thinking about how sad I was when I moved; I was sad, angry, and broken.

I'm glad I can say I'm in a much better place now. Throughout the transition, I did not turn to food for comfort. What a miracle!

Step Six Chart

WILLINGNESS is the principle behind the 6th Step. Once we are aware of our defects of character, our task is to be willing to do the footwork of the program and keep ourselves open and willing to the metamorphosis that HP will facilitate in our lives.

One more issue involved in the Sixth Step is who we will be once our defects of character are removed.

What are some of my character defects and their positive counterparts?

Character Defects/Shortcoming--->Program Principles
Self-seeking---> Service
Dishonest---> Honest
Judgmental---> Tolerance/Acceptance/Compassion
Fear---> Courage
People Pleaser---> Acceptance/Humility
Pride---> Humility/Seeking God’s will
Anger---> Acceptance/Love/Serenity
Perfectionism---> “Progress, not Perfection”
Impatience---> Patience/Serenity
Intolerance---> Tolerance/Serenity
Resentment---> Acceptance/Serenity/Forgiveness
Anger/Hate---> Love/Tolerance
Harmful Acts---> Good deeds
Self-pity---> Gratitude/Love/Acceptance
Ego---> Willingness/Awareness
Self-Will---> Willingness/Surrender
Arrogance---> Humility
Suspicion---> Trust
Doubt---> Faith
Low self-esteem---> Acceptance/Humility

The Power of Forgiveness

I attended an awesome workshop today.
Over the past year a recurring theme has come up for me – forgiveness. So when I found out about this workshop, I knew I had to go. I’m glad I decided to go.
The first people I see when I walk into the center are my former chiropractor and his wife. It was nice to see them. It’s nice to see people who haven’t seen me since I dropped the weight; it’s a reminder of how far I’ve come.
So many gems were offered. Much of it was information I have already heard but obviously haven’t embraced. The capacity to forgive is within us. I’ll keep listening until something click.
I like the question: What is the benefit of being unforgiving?
We believe there is some benefit in resentment, blame, harboring anger. For me, it’s protection. I have been hurt and disappointed and do not want to be hurt and disappointed again. I also do not understand what I did to be treated so poorly. Even though I know it’s not about me, I still can’t believe the other person wouldn’t even consider my feelings. I felt I deserved better.
The teacher went on to explain samsara – the cycle of impure life, the cycle of problem. He then explains that the key to forgiveness is the power of acceptance. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this before. Why can’t I get it? He then explains that resentment is rejecting reality. Life happens. We can either live in denial or deal.

Twelve Steps to a Better Holiday Season

I saw this posted elsewhere. I really like it.

Twelve Steps to a Better Holiday Season

1. We admitted the holiday season has a deeper meaning than devouring food.
2. We came to believe a power greater than ourselves could help us see and celebrate the true meaning of the season.
3. We came to believe our Higher Power could help us appreciate the joyfulness of the season as we understand it.
4. We made a searching and thorough examination of our relationship with food during the holidays and other things we enjoy about the season.
5. We admitted to our Higher Power the exact nature of our food habits during holiday seasons past.
6. We became entirely ready to allow our Higher Power to remove our attachment to food as a necessity of the holidays.
7. We humbly asked him to remove our desire to partake of holiday treats.
8. We made a list of all persons whose presence makes the holiday season joyful for us and with whom we would like to share our joy.
9. We made plans to spend time with those people whenever possible, except when to do so would remove us from our primary purpose of abstinence.
10. We continued to enjoy the company of friends and family and other non-food aspects of the season.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our appreciation of the season, praying for knowledge of its meaning and the joy we feel at this time.
12. Having realised that sharing the joy of this season with others far outlasts the fleeting pleasure of food, we gave ourselves the gift of abstinence throughout the holidays and gave others the gift of our full attention and appreciation.

Thy Will Be Done

Woo hoo! I receive some wonderful news about an unresolved situation. I am very grateful to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve been saying the Acceptance and Resentment Prayers on a regular basis for some time now. Yesterday I found a different Resentment Prayer. It was just what I needed to pray yesterday. It is boldly arrogant of me to expect forgiveness and grace while not being able to offer it to another.
So, I thinking…would I be as happy if the news I received today wasn’t what I wanted? The answer is yes because I have come to a sense of peace about the situation. This is of the upmost importance to me. My peace of mind is my top priority.

I’m so glad I surrendered to God’s will about this. Although it is taking a longer than I would like, I do have a wonderful sense of peace about it. This is worth more than anything to me. So, this is what it means when you say: Thy Will be done. Awesome!

****************************Resentment Prayer************************

A Prayer for Release from Resentment

by Peter Marshall

Lord Jesus, You know me completely. You know that I have steadily refused to forgive this one who has wronged me, yet have had the audacity often to seek Your forgiveness for my own wrongdoing.

The acids of bitterness and a vengeful spirit have threatened to eat away my peace. Yet I have stubbornly rationalized every unlovely motive. I have said, "I am clearly in the right. It is only human to dislike a few people. This one deserves no forgiveness." How well I know that neither have I ever deserved the forgiveness which You have always freely granted me.

So, Lord Jesus, I ask You now for the grace to forgive this hurt. Even now, I am divided about it, only partially willing to release it. But You can manage even my reluctance, my loitering feet. Take now my divided will and make it one piece, wholly Your will.

And Lord, I give to You this emotion of resentment which clings as if glued to my heart. Take it from me. Cleanse every petty thought. Make me sweet again.

I dare to ask that You will not forgive me to the extent that I have forgiven _____, but that You will bless _____ to the degree that You have blessed me. For these great mercies I thank You, in Your name, who gave me the supreme example in forgiving even those who crucified You. Amen.

Rewiring

Reading this amazing book titled Mindfulness and the 12 Steps. Today I spent some time thinking about how to rewire my emotional patterns. Jacobs-Stewart talks about how our internal responses to external events bring about our suffering (dukkha.) It reminds me of what one of my spiritual teachers calls a situational sequence.

Just today I recognized an emotional pattern or situational sequence. This time last year my therapist invited me to write a letter to my ex. I couldn’t do it. So, here I am almost a year later. I have a session on Thursday. Last month I was asked to write a letter to my ex and I still haven’t done it. I do not want to do it. I don’t have anything to say.

Well, I should say I don’t have anything but angry, bitter words to say and I really do not want to go there. I also realize that this whole letter-writing thing reminds me too much of the past. Writing letters to someone who is too afraid (and really too emotionally sick) to communicate. Writing to her was a desperate act. I’ve grown weary of baring my soul to have it dishonored with lies, deceit, and manipulation. Now that I know what I know, I’m not willing to put myself out there. Ego, ego, ego.

Yet, I remind myself I have no control over another. I realize my own attachment, my own expectations, my own fears. So, just because I write a letter, it doesn’t mean I have to send it. If I send it, I do not have to expect a response. If I get a response, I do not have to read it. There are plenty of choices. Not sure which one I will take but I do know it will be the “right” one for me.

I will continue to pray. I will continue to meditate until “the mind is calm enough to see things as they really are.”

Namaste.

Self-Will

One of the most valuable lessons I am learning is about how I have allowed self-will to run riot in my life.

So very grateful for the message/reminder I received today. I love this so much that I am going to copy and paste it here as well as print a copy:

Recovery Meditations ~ Self-Will ~ One Day at a Time ~ November 10, 2011
:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:

RECOVERY MEDITATIONS
One Day at a Time
November 10, 2011

~ SELF-WILL ~

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:

Our whole trouble has been the misuse of
willpower. We had tried to bombard our
problems with it instead of attempting
to bring it into agreement with God's
intention for us.

The AA Twelve and Twelve

:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:

I want the answers to all my questions
and the solutions to all of my problems
RIGHT NOW. Furthermore, I want to tell
my Higher Power what I want those
answers and solutions to be. I think I
know what's best for me and what will
bring long-lasting peace and serenity to
my life.

My self-will has gotten me hurt and
possibly caused me to hurt others. It
has convinced me I could do things my
way and everything would be just
fine. My self-will has helped me lie to
myself about my disease of compulsive
overeating, anorexia, or bulimia; it has
convinced me that darkness was light and
that I should have what I want exactly
when I want it.

How grateful I am that my Higher Power
loves me enough to not take my advice!
How grateful I am that, after I've
plunged head-first into the same wall at
least one hundred times as I tried to
force my own answers and solutions, my
Higher Power is waiting patiently to
bless me by leading me where He would
have me go. How grateful I am that I
don't have to run into the wall of my
self-will as often or as hard as I once
did. One day, maybe I won't run into it
at all.

ONE DAY AT A TIME . . .

I can let go of self-will and remember
that the Third Step says we "made a
decision to turn our will and our lives
over the the care of God as we
understood Him." The care of God ... God
can take better care of me than I can of
myself.

~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~:. .:~*~
http://www.therecoverygroup.org/meditations/november.html
http://www.therecoverygroup.org/meditations/selfwill.html

Rigorous Honesty

One of the attributes needed for recovery is "rigorous honesty." I've been spending a lot of time thinking about honesty. I guess it means different things to different people. My definition certainly has changed over the last year.

Not too long ago, I discovered someone once very close to me is complusive liar. It's so ironic that I was so close to someone so deceitful while I considered myself a truth seeker. Now, that's God and Its sense of humor. I knew this person told lies. Most of the time it really wasn't worth confronting her about them.

Hell, we all tell lies from time to time, right? Wrong! Not to the extent of this person. To know her, you would never think she was so dishonest and deceitful. It's pretty sad because on the outside she appears to have it all together while on the inside she is a very dark and sick person.

To this day, I am still baffled at all the elaborate lies she told. It takes a lot of energy, creativity, intelligent, and pain to create all those lies -- and for so long. She probably became so accustomed to lying that it became difficult for her to tell the difference between truth and fiction. It just goes to show you how powerful the mind and dis-ease can be. A friend said the difference between someone like her and a mental patient is that the mental patient got caught.

Anyhow, I was thinking about honesty and denial. I don't ever want to be in that space where I cannot tell the difference between the truth and a lie. I've lived in denial long enough. I understand dis-ease can be "cunning, baffling, and powerful." This is why it is important to practice rigorous honesty.

Today when I pulled out my driver's license, I was reminded that I have been in denial (and lying) about something for quite some time -- my weight. I'm sure the people who work at the DMV joke about this all the time. There was a time I weighed over 100 pounds of the weight listed on my driver's license. Right now, I weigh about 25 pounds more. Not bad but still not good. It's not the truth.

My license expires next year. When the time comes, no matter how much I weigh, I'm putting down the correct weight.

Service

Today I did something totally out of my comfort zone. I volunteered for a service position at my home meeting.

One Breath at a Time

This has been a challenging week for me. However, I have found that my difficulties have worked wonders for my program. This week I started reading One Breath at a Time. It's one of the books we're discussing in my meditation meeting. This book was right on point for me. With all the B.S. going on right now, I like what Kevin Griffin says about how we can consider our troubles: fertilizer for spiritual growth.

Works for me!

The How and Why of It

.…but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

~AABB, page 62

When I read this passage a few weeks ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s a very sobering and humbling experience to realize that I had a hand in the pain I perceive others inflicting on me. However, I can see it clear as water. As tough as this is to swallow, I am very grateful for this awareness because it is helping me to cope.

This has been a pretty rough week for me emotionally and spiritually. I go from anger to sadness and from sadness to anger. In between those moments, I experience such peace of mind and acceptance. Despite the pain I have inflicted on myself, I shall live and not die!

Out of the Closet

Today I completed a great task. I went through my closet and removed all the clothes that no longer fit. I hauled three large garbage bags to Goodwill. There were moments of sadness this evening. Those clothes were symbolic of a different time and space in my life. Out with the old and in with the new.

I saw my spiritual counselor yesterday. He commented that I looked happy. I don’t know about feeling happy but I do feel at peace with many things in my life right now. Getting rid of those clothes was part of my letting go process.

Although I experienced some sadness, there is a great sense of relief and freedom right now. I’m allowing room for more good/God in my life. I stood back and looked at my closet all neat and organized. I now realize I need to incorporate more color in my wardrobe.

One Year!

Yay! I am very grateful that I have been free from compulsive overeating for one year!

I just returned from an amazing OA retreat. The theme was "Free at Last!" I love that I was able to spend this weekend going to meetings and sharing. It was a great way to celebrate my abstinence!

360 Days: One Moment at a Time!

So, I hear the alarm on my Blackberry, I think maybe I forget someone’s birthday or that I have an appointment or meeting today. I cannot believe it! I have been abstinent for 360 days! I don’t count the days any longer. I mark off every ten days just to keep track.

I am overwhelmed with excited when I think that I have not had a box of Crunch and Munch, a slice of cake, a cookie, a cupcake, ice cream, cheesecake, candy, or a bag of potato chips in 360 days. There’s no way! It is an absolute miracle! I don’t even have cravings for them any longer and I don’t feel deprived. Another miracle!

I looked in the mirror this morning and I kind of didn’t recognize myself. It’s a weird and wonderful feeling. I have a doctor’s appointment next week and I cannot wait to get my test results. Today, I am very grateful for today. Despite all my abstinent days, I know I still need to take my recovery one moment at a time.

Unbearable Lightness

I just finished reading Unbearable Lightness by Porti de Rossi. It was a great read. My sponsor was reading it so I decided to read it too.
It was very honest and emotional. Although I do not have anorexia and have never purged, I could really relate to a lot of her food experiences. At times I found it triggering. My sponsor, who is a recovered anorexic, found it triggering as well. An eating disorder is an eating disorder; it’s all about powerlessness.

It really stuck me how much of her experience with sexuality and her mother was similar to mine. When I came out to my mother, she asked me not to tell anyone else in the family. It’s a terrible burden to bear. I often suspect that my issues with sexuality contributed to my overeating more than I realize.

I was a bit disappointed in the ending. Although she went through great lengths to describe how she progressed into anorexia and bulimia, I didn’t feel like she gave the same care in her description about her recovery process.

I also found myself judging her eating plan when she admits that some days she’ll eat a large bag of chips as a meal for lunch. I also felt that if she was willing to share photos of herself at her lowest weight (around 82), she should have shared photos of herself at her highest weight (around 168.)

The bottom line is that Unbearable Lightness is a great read. It helped articulate a lot of feelings I had about my thoughts around food, body image, and sexuality. It also served as a great tool, even though it is not OA-related, for me to share things with my sponsor. I would recommend that you’re in a good space in your own recovery before picking up this book. It can be triggering.

"I Shall Live and Not Die"

This is the title of a gospel song I really like. I’ve been listening to it a lot because it’s all about overcoming challenges. It’s been a challenging couple of weeks. I am so grateful and I am maintaining my abstinence. I don’t need sweets or junk food to comfort me. I’ve been managing my stress with exercise and prayer.

While I’m doing well in the food area, the spirituality area is still lacking. I am trying to judge or build resentment. However, I must admit I don’t think I’m doing a good job.

Right now, there is someone who I feel is the most greedy, materialistic, lying, selfish person I have ever met. It’s funny because there’s the saying that what you see in another person is what you see in yourself. If this is true, I’m in big trouble because this person is extremely sick.

Anyhow, it’s not about her. I’m all about learning my lesson. I’m doing what I can to keep my side of the street clean. It just sucks that sometimes being honest and trying to be a person of integrity means being treated unjustly. But, hey, I’m going to do my best to accept life on life’s term and leave the rest to God and Karma.

On a positive note, my social life has been booming. In fact, as soon as I told my friend I was going to stay home and rest this weekend, someone sent me an email saying she was going to be in town and wanted to get together.

I’m one of those people who enjoys quiet time alone. I’m so looking forward to the retreat next weekend and then I’m going on vacation. I come home for two weeks and then I’m off again. In the words of Langston Hughes: Life is fine! Fine as Wine! Life is fine!

Being Present, Staying in the Now

One of the challenges I’ve had in my life is being present. I now recognize how much time I spent dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. When I first joined OA, I found all that “one day at a time” stuff extremely corny. Personally, I like to say, one moment at a time.

This thought alone brings a certain amount of peace and calm to the mind.
The other day, Deepak Chopra posted a tweet that was right on time for me, in that moment. I now have it posted in my office: No regrets and no anticipation, just this moment fresh and as is.

I love it!

Beliefs

I am still operating with an old belief system that is no longer working for me: overcome evil with good. I was taught that if you treat people with kindness they will eventually “see the light” so to speak. I am learning that this is not necessarily true. There’s a difference between being kind and being a pushover or a doormat. If you turn the other cheek with some people, they’re just going to slap it.

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are so sick that they cannot receive kindness. I must remind myself it is not personal. Some people have just been so harmed by others that they continue to create even more pain by being unwilling to let their guard down. They aren’t able to react to kindness with kindness. I guess it’s because their belief system tells them that in order to get anything from life you have to lie, manipulate, and be mean.

Yet, I am only responsible for my behavior. So, for today, I accept that I had to do something that feels a little uncomfortable to me. It doesn't mean I do not love the person because I truly do. However, I had to take a stance and set boundaries. Last week in our reading from my meditation meeting the following quote has continued to resonate with me:

We look for love with clenched fists....

We often say we want something we do not even know how to receive. Still there are others who really cannot recognize love when it is staring them in the face because they have been so badly beaten down by others in the past. Today, this is neither here nor there in my situation. You reach a point when you have to say enough is enough. I cannot continue to allow someone to continue dumping on me all the while expecting me to give. It's just like that with some people. They expect more than they are willing to give.

Most important than being kind to others is being kind to myself. I have to take care of myself. I will take care of myself. I am taking care of myself. It feels a little awkward but it is a change I want to make. No one else is going to look out for me.

Today I am creating boundaries and creating a new belief system.

So, for today, I, once again, remind myself of the words from the Acceptance Prayer:

“I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and in my attitude.”

Ego Deflation

I completed Step Five, again, with my sponsor last night. I’m so glad my sponsor is willing to go through the steps with me again. I know it is extra work and I truly appreciate it. It went much more smoothly than the first time. I’d only been abstinent a month the first time. Now, I have almost a year’s worth of abstinence behind me. I am very grateful for the awareness and presence of mind I had during this time.

One of the things my sponsor has invited me to do to pick up my amends list and start working on it again. I’ve been able to cross off a number of people from the list. As I shared in Saturday’s meeting, it is very humbling to realize that my eating has caused a lot of harm to relationships. It’s not that I was a bad person but I do like to isolate. No, I don’t like to isolate, I LOVE to isolate.

Isolation, for me, is not necessarily a bad thing. I don’t have to worry about other people and their crap. I don’t have to worry about other people and my crap. Also, I truly enjoy my own company. My spiritual mentor says it’s just the way I’m hardwired. I lot of the things I enjoy doing do not require another person – writing, reading, jewelry making, scrapbooking, meditating, etc. Plus, I know how to seek out company when I want it. However, isolation can be a dangerous thing as a compulsive overeater. While I am not afraid to be alone with my thoughts, emotions, and feelings, I have to be careful not to manage or soothe them with food. Now, that I have this awareness I can use it in my recovery.

One of the things we constantly discussion in my meditation meeting is ego deflation. For me, this is what Step Five is all about – deflating the ego. As I shared with my sponsor last night, a lot of ego, pride, and arrogance of my past was simply a defense to mask insecurity and low self-esteem. I have confused my ego with my self-esteem. I will continue to pray that as my ego deflates, my self-esteem will inflate. And So It Is….

Effort, not Outcome

Just a quick update on my fifth step...last week was a very busy week for both me and my sponsor so scheduling my fifth step was pushed back until next week.

I just had a nice chat with my sponsor about something that has been bothering me. I've had this nagging feeling for the past couple of weeks. Last night I was able to identify it.

I am beginning to question whether or not I've been abstinent. I have been following my food plan to the best of my ability. I have not touched any of my trigger foods. Yet, something still didn't feel "right" to me. Last night the light bulb went off.

When I started in this program, it was because I was beginning to gain back some of the weight I had lost on my own. I released additional weight while on OA. However, as I approach almost a year abstinence, I feel like I should be at my normal weight by now. In the back of my mind, I still have that goal weight in mind.

Last night I journalled about it and reminded myself about not touching any of my trigger foods and how that is a miracle in itself. I also reminded myself that am I on a journey, not a destination.

My sponsor shared that she also has similar thoughts that she will no longer have certain thoughts and feelings about her body, weight, or food. She was very honest and reminded me about my food diary that I have been turning in to her. She can see for herself that I have been abstinent. She also encouraged me to focus on the efforts of working my program, not the outcome. The most helpful thing she reminded me about was my character defect with having certain expectations. This gets me into trouble all the time.

At yesterday's meeting I shared about how I have to constantly remind myself about doing Step 3. My self-will gets in the say of so many things in my life.

Fourth Step Inventory

It's official! I finished my fourth step inventory and handed it over to my sponsor. I panicked a bit after I submitted it. However, I cannot worry about being judged. Anyhow, my sponsor is not like that. Despite all our conflicts, she is a very good sponsor for me. I absolutely love and appreciate her service.

I am very grateful to God for the courage to complete my inventory.

Sticks and Stones

Wow! Right now I wish I could throw a few sticks and stones at whoever said ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.’ Lol!

Instead I will remind myself about something I heard a few weeks ago about staying present and not creating a story. When someone throws a cup of water on you, you don’t get pissed or angry or hurt-- you get wet. I have no control over the fact that someone has thrown a cup of water on me. I do have control over how I react. I can look at the facts and see that I’m wet or I can create an elaborate story.

Truth is...I’m creating a story. Sigh!

A Searching, Fearless Inventory

1. Is something keeping me from beginning my “fearless” and “searching” inventory? What?
Yes, there is a small part of me that does not want to go through this again. I spend enough time trying to avoid thinking about the past. I am a bit nervous that looking back is going to put me in a funky space. While I know being in a funky space is a choice, it is a fear I should probably acknowledge.

2. What action, no matter how small, am I willing to take to overcome my procrastination?
I am not really one for procrastination so I am not that worried about it. My desire to recover and remain abstinent is much greater than my fear of completing a 4th step inventory. Fortunately, once I make a decision to do something, I am more than willing to work at making it happen.

3. Am I willing to do a written inventory?
Ew! This was not easy the first time around. There is something about writing down my stuff demands that I stop being in denial about it. The truth continues to set me free!

4. What are some of the ways in which I can do my inventory? What approach will I take?
I like that the OA 12 + 12 says there is no right or wrong way to complete an inventory. I’m open to process. I liked the way I completed the inventory the first time. However, I would like to try a different process this time around. My sponsor tends to be more of a stickler about these things so I will wait and see what she has to say about it.

5. Why is it important for me to take a balanced view of myself?
Good question. I’m not sure I really have a “good” answer. These days “balanced” to me is being totally aware and seeing things as they really are, without judgment. So, in this sense, it is important for me to get a total view of myself without judging myself one way or the other. While I do not think I’m a horrible person, I do spend more take than I’d like beating up myself about people and situations over which I have no control.

Step Four – The Second Time Around

“Change begins with honesty.” OA 12 + 12, Page 30

It’s that time. It’s time to take a fearless and courageous inventory. I am dreading it as much as I did the first time around. However, I am curious to see how differently the steps will be with months versus weeks of abstinence this time.

I completed the OA 12 + 12 reading this morning and wrote down the following key words:

• Self-analysis
• Process of transformation
• Honesty
• Self-awareness
• Searching and Fearless

I found my notes from my first Step Four reading notes and my list looked like this. Unfortunately, I did not date this entry in my journal (the entry before it is dated 10/22/10 and the entry after it is dated 11/6/10):

• Surrender
• Resentment
• Transformation
• Willingness
• Fearlessness
• Denial
• Honesty
• “Utilize, not analyze”
• HOUSECLEANING

I am not sure how much of my inventory I will be sharing on this blog. However, I am ready.

Stone Buddha

Meditation meeting was awesome tonight. I love when I get just what I need right when I need it. I'm too sleepy to write about the stone Buddha. Right now, the image is just enough.

Today has been one trying day. I felt my thoughts being pushed into my past. On the other hand, I am also being pulled into a future. I do not want either. Very grateful I know I have a choice.

Right now I want to stay right where I am...in the Now. It is very calm and serene here. I am happy here. Tonight, I am very grateful for this moment.

Thank you, Father, Mother, God, for 300 days of abstinence!

Decision Time - Part II

4. How do I feel about completely turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?

This is still a challenge for me. I know it is because of my previous belief system about how God works in my life. There is also a huge part of me that has been so disappointed in the past when I did ask for guidance and felt I did not get it. I know that my HP was not the problem and that I was not able to receive the guidance correctly because I was not in my right mind.

5. Do I have eating guidelines? Will I ask God for the willingness and the ability to live within them each day? Explain.

Yes. There are certain foods I have decided to avoid. Another guideline is portion control. I also try to keep my calories within a certain range. I have to admit I do not always ask God for the willingness to live within these guidelines. There are days I take it for granted that I will be abstinent. I do pray before my meals and express gratitude for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinent for all COEs.

There are days, I resent my eating guidelines. I hate all the measuring. Lately I have been sloppy with my portions. When I get like this, I go back to foods I know I can eat without measuring because I have eaten them so often and know the portion without having to measure.

6. If occasionally the obsession returns, how do I get through these times without overeating?

Lately I have been eliminating the amount of food I keep in my apartment. The best thing for me to do is bookend my meals with my sponsor reminding myself that I am done with my meal. I will also avoid situations when I am not sure I can follow my program. I will eat my meal at home before going to a social event.

7. How do I reach the decision to turn my will and life over to a Higher Power?

I do this by reminding myself how powerless I am over food and how my life became unmanageable. I also remind myself how much better I feel when I do surrender.

Decision Time

OA Workbook Questions – Step Three

1. In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?
This has a tough one for me. I struggle with “weight loss is not our only goal.” I have been willing to accept that my body may not be meant to be as small as I’d like it to be. I am also accepting that what is “normal” eating for someone else may not be “normal” eating for me.
As far as body image, I recently noticed that I have a distorted image of my body. I was totally unaware of this fact. Before OA, I thought I was smaller than my actual body size. Now that I have been abstinent and lost some weight, I learned I believe I am bigger than my current body size. More than anything, I want to adopt an accurate body image and no that my ideal body size is one that reflects good health and not vanity.

2. What has my attitude been about food and eating?
Before OA, I was totally obsessed with food and eating. If I wasn’t eating, I was thinking about food. If I wasn’t thinking about food, I was eating. I also watching shows on The Food Network was a hobby.

3. Am I ready to give up self-will regarding food? Explain.
In all honesty, I still do not think I am ready to give up self-will, not completely. I say “not completely” because I continue to give up my self-will and then take it back continually. Even though it hasn’t gotten to the point of a relapse, I recognize that it is a problem. One of my OA friends share the following that I really find helpful: I rely on Higher Power, not will power. This saying has really stuck with me because I have a tendency to rely on my will power when I really should surrender to my Higher Power.

Insanity!

5. How have I not acted sanely when:

c. I was more comfortable with food than with people?

I could probably write an entire book considering this question. Isolation was/is huge for me! I could say I’ve had a love affair with food. I enjoyed planning and cooking meals. I enjoy the meal preparation much more than enjoying the meal with others or the actual entertaining.
I don’t like eating in a large crowd of people. In fact, I prefer eating alone. I enjoy my food much better when I eat alone. For the most part, I have always been this way. As a child, I wanted to eat my meals before or after my family. When I was a teenager, I would often eat alone in my room.

d. I limited my social life?

As I’ve shared before, I have been hesitant to go I when and if I didn’t feel I would have control over when and where I would be eating my meals. At times, I would rather sit home alone and enjoy my trigger foods than go out with friends. I can remember turning down invitations because I was planning a binge.

e. I drew the drapes, disconnected the telephone, and hid in the house?

There was a short time in my life when I did this. Looking back, I thought a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was mourning. I quit my job. I had a terrible Internet addiction at the time. I remember one time my friend came over to check on me because she hadn’t heard from me and I wasn’t returning her calls. I had been engaged in a weekend binge and chat room marathon. I remember I wouldn’t let her in because there were potato chip, pizza, and Haagen Das containers that I did not want her to see.

Nine Months!

Wow! I've never been pregnant but I guess this is what it feels like to take care of a baby growing inside you. I must admit I'm not sure if I've done a very good job.

The last couple of days have been really rough.

More friction with my sponsor. She sent me a scathing email. While she admits that it's her CD that cause her to react the way she does, I admit that I'm a bit impatient with it. I have my own CD's so I cannot judge, even this is exactly what I find myself doing.

I was reading about insight meditation yesterday and there was a discussion about how the middle way. It's basically the path of moderation. This is where I want to be in my recovery. Not so rigid in my program that I am not enjoying life and not so slack that I am in relapse.

However, I need to be sure it is not just my dis-eased way of thinking. The test for me is my willingness. Am I willing to do whatever it takes? The answer is yes. However, I am willing to do whatever it takes for me. This is where judgement rears its ugly head. If I have been willing to do something my sponsor has asked of me, it doesn't mean it necessarily has to work for me. I also feel I have a right to stop doing it -- as long as it is in keeping with the principles and traditions of OA. After all, there is the saying: take what you need and save the rest for later.

So there you have it.

Today I pray for peace and abstinent for all my OA fellows. I am grateful to all who have helped me to make it to this milestone, especially my sponsor.

Fear of Success

Well, today I am working on Day 260 of abstinence. Earlier this week my sponsor asked me to take a look at the calendar because she thought I had reached nine months. Knowing this is making me a little anxious. I am doing my best to stay present.

This morning I shared at the meeting (and later with my sponsor) how I have a fear, not only of failure, but of success. I remember how my sponsor always advises me to focus on the effort, not the outcome. So, for today, I will only focus only on today. Day 260 is no different than Day 1 of my abstinent. I will work my program to the best of my ability and leave the rest to my Higher Power.

No Magic Pill

Yesterday one of my coworkers asked me what I was doing to “rock the weight loss.” My first reaction was shock. Even though I’ve released 77 pounds, I still do not see it the way others do. In fact, I couldn’t believe the reaction I received during my trip home.

I know I’m going off on a tangent…I am not really aware of just how much weight I’ve released until I do things like fit into an airplane seat, try on a favorite piece of clothing that no longer fits, or have someone tell me how great I look.

I really think part of me is in just as much denial about how much weight I’ve released as in how much weight I had gained over the years. I still need to work on staying connected to my body.

Now, back to my coworker…when I shared that I was exercising and had joined OA, she seemed a bit disappointed. We’ve worked together for about 11 years and I’ve noticed her weight go up and down. I know she’s tried a number of diets. This has not been my experience but part of me can still relate to wanting there so be some magic solution.

I thought about how OA is a program of attraction, not promotion. I prayed that she will see how well OA is working for me and that maybe it is something that could work for her. In fact, I see how anyone can look at me while there is no magic pill, there is hope.

1. As I look with complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

I first have to deal with the first part of this question: looking with complete honesty at my life. For the past year, it has been very challenging for me to see how I have been in denial about a lot of things. This has been a very huge blow to my ego and pride. While there were a number of things I was in obvious denial about, I am now dealing with more subtle ways I continue to be in denial. So, with that said, I can move on.
The first way I have acted irrationally is in seeking comfort in food. It’s is so contradictory because as a COE excess food only offer discomfort.
Another way is isolation. Now that I have a greater sense of awareness, I see how I isolated from people so I could indulge in my food behaviors. There were many times I chose to stay home alone so I could eat rather than hang out with friends. I remember being hesitant to go places when I wasn’t sure when or if I was going to be able to eat. I preferred eating alone. The food tasted better and I could enjoy it even better if I was in the privacy of my home.
This isolation began early. I remember in my teens eating before or after my family because I wanted to eat alone. I would also ask my mother if I could eat in my bedroom. I guess she thought it was normal teenage behavior but I now think it was the beginning of isolating with food.
I think the most irrational and self-destructive thing I did was continue to eat when I wasn’t hungry or when certain foods were making me sick. I remember eating until I got diarrhea. I’d go to the bathroom, and then continue to eat. It makes me so sad to know what I was doing to my body.

On Vacation

Well, I am on vacation. Today when I logged off my computer I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Hell, being on vacation meant it was time to pig out and eat a bunch of junk food.

First, there was the sadness that I am on vacation alone this year. It’s going to take some getting used to. Second, I understand food wasn’t going to be a central part either. No partner. No junk food. Boy, oh, boy. What am I going to do?

My sponsor and I came up with an action plan last night. I hate keeping food logs. I normally don’t have to submit my food to my sponsor…just yes or no that I followed my plan. However, I do feel it is important for me to be very concise about what I am going to be eating. So, I am going to submit my food and/or take a photo of it and text it to her. Yikes!

Now, this is in addition to bookending my meals. I also need to attend at least one face-to-face meeting during my vacation. Haha! It appears there is no vacation from being a compulsive overeater.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

Well, this is a great question. For the most part, I was under the impression I was in touch with my feelings. I do not believe in false cheerfulness. I do not believe in hiding my feelings. If I’m sad, I’m sad. If I’m mad, you will know it. However, I now see how I managed my feelings by numbing them out with food. I used food to cope with disappointment and loneliness as a teen. In adulthood, I used food to cope with stress. As a student, I would eat and study. As a professional, I would eat and work. Munching kept me alert and awake.

During my previous relationship, I gained over 100 pounds. For the record, I accept full responsibility for my COE. However, I am now convinced that the weight gain was directly related to how I managed the stress of that relationship. While I believed I was happy in the relationship, I can see how tolerated certain situations by numbing out with food. The fact that my ex also loved to eat as much as I did indirectly contributed to my dis-ease too.

I used food to help me deal with my feelings so I would not experience them as intensely as they presented themselves.

So, the answer to the question is “no.” I was under the illusion I was in touch with my feelings. Now that I have been abstinent for almost eight months, I uncovered a tremendous amount of anger and resentment.

Here is a First Step Inventory of my Compulsive Eating History

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am going through the steps again with my sponsor. I completed Step Zero earlier this week. I am starting to work my way through the 12-step Workbook for Overeater's Anonymous.

I would say my compulsive eating started in my early teens. Up until 12 years old, I was underweight. I did not adjust well to adolescence and turned to food for comfort. I spent a lot of time babysitting my younger brothers and sister because my mother returned to school. I was responsible for preparing meals twice a week. Truthfully, I resented this responsibility. I wanted to be able to hang out with my friends after school. Instead, I had to rush home and prepare dinner.

I started experimenting with different recipes in order to cheer myself up and make the task less boring. I also developed an interest in baking. So, I cooked and ate. There were times I would have a full meal before I served dinner and would eat with the rest of the family. I started gaining weight and this isolated me even further from my peers. I was the fat, folly girl. From high school through grad school, my weight fluctuated between 170 to 210 pounds.

I continued to use food as a comfort and escape from my emotions throughout high school, college, and grad school.

I only made a few attempts to diet throughout my life. In my late 20s I tried Deal-A-Meal and most recently I tried Medifast. Although I was “heavy,” my weight did not “interfere” with my life until my 40s. I began having a number of obesity-related illnesses: Diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, and hypothyroidism. At my highest, I weighed 320 pounds. It wasn’t until I learned I had severe sleep apnea that I could no longer deny that food was destroying my life and my health. I couldn’t even walk around the block. When I tried to stop eating, I learned that I needed more than willpower to help me overcome my problem.

The Trap

I’ve been really struggling lately. Today I thought I was almost there. Relapse. I have read or heard somewhere that there are a thousand steps toward a relapse. It doesn't just happen. By the time you take that first bite, you've taken a number of steps toward the food. Well, I’ve probably taken 999 of those steps.

I’ve just had this nagging feeling for a couple of weeks. I can't seem to release it. A lot of it is anger and resentment. I’m still so pissed off at myself and my ex. Every time I think I’m over it, something else pops up. I just wish I would let it go. I just have to acknowledge that loving someone does not mean I have to be with that person. In fact, at this point in my life, the best thing I can do is focus on loving myself.

It’s just my ego that bruised and damaged. How much more evidence do I need that a person doesn’t give a damn about me? I mean, really!
Anyhow, carrying around this huge load of anger and resentment is really wearing me down. Today I thought…Sheila, you have been abstinent over 200 days. Why do you feel this way?

I haven’t completed a 10th step inventory in weeks. I haven't logged my food in four days. I didn’t check in with my sponsor two days in a row. Today she called me on it. I spent some time praying and meditating this afternoon. I then talked to my sponsor and told her I want to go through the steps again. Her reaction surprised me. She was so excited. Here I am feeling defeated and she thinks it’s just the greatest thing in the world that I recognized what was happening. It just goes to show me how messed up my thinking is becoming. Why can’t I at least give myself credit for not turning to food?

The dis-ease has been doing its best to convince me that I could make it without the check ins, meetings, and daily inventories. I’ve been following my food plan and reading recovery material. I’m still abstinent so I’ll be all right. I don’t need this OA crap. The dis-ease has been telling me I am going to be bound to this crap all my life. I then told myself I have a choice. I can be a trapped in OA, or I can be a trapped in the food. Either way I’m going to be trapped.

My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater.

***

I will be going to my hometown in a few weeks. I have a number of amends to do while I’m in town. To date, I’ve only completed a third of my list. In a few weeks, my list will be nearly complete. I am going on an amends marathon! This is going to be VERY interesting....

Step 11

or Seeking through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God….

Not much going on with my recovery. I recently joined an 11th Step Meditation group. I love it! It’s comprised of all sorts of addicts. We’re currently reading, The Art of Recovery.

While I am continue to check in with my sponsor, attend the meditation meetings, and attend an occasional online meeting, I cannot tell you when I’ve attended a face-to-face meeting. Truthfully, I do not miss them. I really never connected with either meeting I attended. I did like the Saturday morning meetings better than the crowded Sunday night meetings, but I find it very difficult to get up and get there at 9 am. I’m surprised my sponsor hasn’t said much to me about it. In the beginning, she was adamant about me attending face-to-face meetings. Now, as long as I attend at least one online meeting, I’m content. I know that I do not want to get in a place of being too content.

I am enjoying the meditation meetings. They are helping me to quench the flames of anger and resentment that came up to the surface while working on steps four, five, and six. As I continue working on my relationship with Spirit, I improve my relationship with myself…and others.

Namaste!

I've Got to be Me!

I have always wanted to be someone else. I've never wanted to be unique. I wanted to be just like everyone else -- "normal."

I do not know how to appreciate and love myself.

Today when I was meditating I realized how miserable I make myself by comparing myself to others.

So my first step toward self-acceptance is to stop the comparsion.

I pray for the courage to do so.

Why am I Angry?

While working through the steps, I have realized just how much of an angry person I had become. I had no idea I was full of so much anger and resentment. I was angry because I couldn’t get my way. I was angry because I couldn’t control things. I was angry because I felt mistreated and misunderstood in my life. The list goes on….

One of the lessons I am learning through program is acceptance.
For me, this means living in the present moment and accepting things just as they are. “Stay in the Now” is my motto.

I don't always do a good job with staying in the now. I have a tendency to stew about how things were the past or worry about how things should be in the future.

I am learning to live joyfully in the present and I am finding peace and serenity like I’ve never experienced in my life.
I am grateful for this program. I have been abstinent for six months. The anger fades and each day I find a little more to be joyful about.
Last week I ran across a quote that said something like…

When it comes to the past, you can choose to be bitter or better. I choose to be better – one day at a time.

Six Months of Freedom from COE

Today marks six months of abstinence. I cannot believe it! Only by the grace of God am I able to say I have been abstinent for six months. My abstinence hasn’t been perfect but I have done my best to follow the program and work the steps.

I am so happy to say I feel free. It’s been a difficult yet rewarding six months. Without OA, I know I would be absolutely miserable right now. I would still be bound to food and an insatiable appetite. Now, my life is filled with joy, gratitude, and happiness. Food is no longer my focus.
I’ve been focusing on relationships lately—my relationship with myself, others, and most importantly, my Creator.

I wish I had something more profound to say but this is it. I’m abstinent. I’m humbled. I’m grateful.

I Want to be Free!

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I’m not sure if I’ve already written about this but it has been on my mind all day long today. I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale. I shared this with my sponsor about three weeks ago and I still haven’t done anything about it. The fact that I haven’t put the scale away further lets me know I need to do so. So, why haven’t I?

I weigh myself at least three or four times a day. Actually, it’s probably more like five or six times. Truthfully, I started writing this because I’m sitting here trying not to go weigh myself. Anyhow…
The other day I was praying about this behavior. The answer I received is that it’s not that I can’t put the scale away; it’s that I won’t put it away. Bingo! Woop, there it is! Yep, that’s it – self will…stubbornness.
I guess that’s why it’s bothering me so much today. I am not going to be totally free until I am willing to surrender all to Spirit and my program. I can’t do things my way. My way hasn’t worked in the past so why am I even trying to go there?

I have an unhealthy attachment to the scale yet I am so afraid not to be without it. My sponsor was so brave the other day. She went to an appointment and didn’t even ask the nurse her weight. I was blown away! The poor girl at my doctor’s office already knows my routine. She’s tell me my weight and look for my previous weight because she knows I’m going to ask.

So, I was thinking about this so-called problem today and it’s because I went so long without a scale and not knowing how much I weighed. It wasn’t until I was ill and went to the doctor that I realized I weighed 310 pounds. I vowed I would never weigh over 300 pounds. Yet, I’m somehow under the illusion that if I’d had a scale it would have never happened. This is total B.S. Owning or not owning a scale had/has nothing to do with my weight gain/loss.
I’m somehow under the illusion that when I bought the scale I started losing weight. This is total B.S. too. When I started paying attention to what I was eating and exercising, the only thing the scale did is help me monitor my weight. I would have lost weight despite the scale.
Now with all this analysis and reasoning, I still can’t put the scale away. Even when I was at the gym today, I was plotting…even if I put the scale away, I could weigh myself at the gym…once a week…let’s see…if I put the scale away, I’ll still be able to get my weight when I go to the doctor on April 1…no, that’s too long…. UGH! What the hell is wrong with me??? Just put it away!

UPDATE: Well, I finally did it. After reading the passage in For Today on Wednesday, March 28, there was no way I could not put away the scale. I had to let go of my self will and trust my HP.

Rude Awakenings to Spiritual Awakenings

There are so many things that happened to me last year that shook me to my core and caused me to question everything. I had no idea who I had been living with for the past 11 years. Well, looking back on it, I probably did but I was in denial about it. As I say, the cloudiness of food didn’t allow me to see much back then.

Anyhow, through it all, I have gained so much more than I thought I was losing. Even all the “wonderful” foods I thought I was being asked to give up cannot compare with the wonderful fellowship I have found in OA. My relationship with myself, others, and Spirit is growing each day.
I am not sure I’d be where I am today without those rude awakenings of last year.

I am very grateful to God for my spiritual awakening and pray I never go back to sleep!

Miracle Miles

I went out of town this weekend to attend a memorial service. I am sharing this because I went to remember the miracles which occurred. I love road trips. In fact, I love weekend trips. They were another excuse to eat a bunch of fast/junk food.

I am so happy to share that I drove over 900 miles this weekend and did not eat any fast food. Every once and while the Golden Arches would sing out to me, but I just kept on driving.

I saw my father during this trip. I love my father but we tend to butt heads if we’re in the same room too long. Usually, I would just try to suck it up until I can’t take it anymore and then explode. One of the ways I would have dealt with my Dad was to eat to numb my feelings. This weekend, I stayed present and actually had a nice time. I didn’t force myself to be around my Dad any longer than I wanted to. The old Sheila would have felt very guilty about it. I also thought it was weird when my sister started complaining about my Dad I defended him.

I knew my Dad was going to be there. A few cousins who I hadn’t seen in a decade were also there. I was able to interact with them without much anxiety.

All weekend I did not allow myself to be pressured into doing things I did not want to do. When my Dad’s wife called and asked me to come over, I politely said no. When they tried to convince me to stay longer, I politely said no. I did feel a bit guilty about not staying longer but I got over it quickly.

I was absolutely amazed at how well I did with honoring and taking care of me. On the ride home, my sponsor I shared the miracles I had witnessed all weekend.

Sponsorship

Today I became a sponsor. I am very happy for the opportunity to be of service to someone else. Today as I was praying for guidance, I realized that it is not a coincidence that the day after I end therapy, I become a sponsor. One of the last things my therapist said to me was to keep working in OA so I could help others. Well, I guess she was right.

As I was preparing Step One materials for my sponsee, I realized how I am also going to benefit from going through the steps with her. Today, I read the Step One prayer I used to say every day when I was working on Step One. It’s been a while since I said this prayer. I also reread OA 12 + 12; I receive something new from it each time I read it. I also started reading the Doctor’s Opinion in the AA Big Book.

My sponsor always says to me that I help her just as much as she helps me. Truthfully, I sometime think it’s just some B.S. line she says just so I won’t feel bad about reaching out to her. Now, I know what she means. It’s only been day one and I see how my recovery is going to take on another dimension.

"Two Against One"

This is the text I just sent my sponsor. I just finished eating dinner and want, I repeat, want to eat more. It's not like I need to eat more. My body is satisfied. My spirit is satisfied. My mind, on the other hand, says, MORE!

Action, not Reaction

One of the many lessons I learned while working the steps was how often I reacted to a situation instead of acting. There’s a big difference. For me, the difference is my focus. When I am reacting, I am focusing on the other. When I am acting, my focus is on me and my journey.

Today’s question asks what actions do I take daily to help me continue my recovery. This is the basis of Step 10.

Yesterday I looked at my calendar and realized I have been abstinent 140 days. I could not have come this far without the help of Spirit/God, my wonderful sponsor (we’re getting along wonderfully, by the way,) my OA fellows, and taking action.

Each day I begin my day by checking in with my sponsor and I read For Today.

Meditation is also a very essential part of my recovery and spiritual practice. I was just sharing with someone that other day how I am beginning to realize that meditation is key in helping me stay present and awareness.

I also pray every day. Each day I pray for me and my sponsor that we end the day in peace and abstinence. I also pray and say grace before each meal. I give thanks for an abstinent meal and pray for abstinence for my OA fellows – whether they’re in program or not. I add that part because I like how my face to face meeting ends by praying for those who still suffering from COE.

At the end of the day, I submit my food plan and complete a check in list, a gratitude list, and a Step 10 inventory to my sponsor.
These are the actions I take on a daily basis, without fail.

On a regular basis, I attend meetings, listen to recovery podcasts, read recovery books, reach out to other OA fellows, journal/blog, and read/participate on email loops. I recently started using Twitter as a part of my recovery tools.

Do No Harm

I love the Buddhist’s rule: harm no living thing. It’s all about compassion. Being raised a Christian, I was taught the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I was very anxious when I approached Step Eight. Sure, I could rant about the harm others had caused me. If it wasn’t so sad, it would have been comical how much difficulty I had seeing how I had harmed others.

The patterns I discovered that have done harm to me and others are:

--Manipulation
--Control
--Dishonesty
--Insensitivity
--Denial
--Stubborn

The reason I mentioned that Golden Rule is because I really had to question my belief system and I realized that over the years I really started twisting things. The Golden Rule is about treating people the way you would treat yourself. Well, somehow, I started thinking of it as a quid pro quo. I also realize that I somehow started treating people better than I would treat myself.

I remember one day reflecting how I would spend hundreds of dollars on my partner but would rarely spend any money on myself. I would go all out for others and leave nothing for myself, yet resent others for my behavior.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This year is the first time in 11 years I have celebrated Valentine’s Day as a single person. I had a really good day. The first thing I did this morning is tell myself how much I love me. I then posted it on my Facebook Wall: Happy Valentine’s Day, Sheila. I love you!

Humility

Hello! My name is Sheila and I am a compulsive overeater. It’s time to pull out the OA workbook and do some Step 7 work.

What is humility? Funny. Last night I read somewhere on the Internet that there is a difference between humility and humiliation. I already made my distinction. Understood. So, what is humility?

I guess more than anything, I understand what humility is not. Humility is the opposite of arrogance. It is someone who has her pride and ego in check.

I looked up the definition to get some clarity. According to Dictionary.com, humility is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. One of the synonyms is submissiveness.

I remember a guy at a meeting saying humility was the posture of prayer. I didn’t understand what he meant at the time but now I think I do.
Humility is all about asking for God’s guidance because I understand I cannot do things on my own. It is knowing that I power greater than myself can help me and asking for that help.

This continues to be something I struggle with because I am full of self-will, pride, and arrogance. I also admit that there is still a part of me that holds onto these character defects because I stubbornly think they work for me. What I am realizing is that any of my character defects can be assets, can be of service when in alignment with God’s will.

For instance, my therapist pointed out how my pride can be an asset to help me work on myself. My stubbornness is definitely helping me recover because I refused to give up. However, I know it is humility that reminds me that I am not doing this alone. I am only where I am today in my abstinence through the help of my H.P., my sponsor, and my OA family.
My constant prayer is Thy will, not my will, be done.