Numbers Don't Lie!

I posted this on my fitness blog and felt I need to post it here as well: I am not very happy right now. I just weighed myself and I’ve gained four pounds! I guess I shouldn’t complain. It could be worst. I also shouldn’t be surprised since I’ve gone over my calorie goal for the day a few times this past two weeks. Anyhow, I am grateful for the courage to face the truth. The old me would have been in denial and stayed off the scale. I also have my new tool – a fat loss monitor. My focus for 2013—building muscle and losing fat!

As far as my food plan goes, I do not need to make many chances. The only thing I will change is my eating out patterns. I know much of the weight gain has to do with eating out over the holidays and not really knowing how many calories was in the food I was consuming. I could only guess and I was guessing too low. I can make it a habit to eat less on my plate when eating out. UPDATE: Just talked to my sponsor. I love her sooo much. She's always so positive and supportive. Anyhow, we agreed I would start eating half of whatever I order when eating out and making sure I eat some veggies with that meal. Often, I order something I usually don't eat at home like a burger and fries. I'm more of an all or nothing type person so I was thinking I'll just stop ordering this meal and order something else. My sponsor doesn't think I should do this. She's cool with me ordering the burger and fries but eating half and having a serving of veggies with it. So this will be my approach going forward.

Choices

Lead today’s meeting. I was very nervous about sharing my story. I know most of it had to do with my ego, my character defects reared their ugly heads –ego, arrogance, pride, and the queen of queens – SELF-WILL. I am grateful to God that I was able to recognize what was happening and humble myself. Humility is very important these days. I have to confess I haven’t been doing so well. Although I haven’t touched any of my trigger foods, I have been eating too much, not paying attention to my portions. Today I almost bought a brownie and a cookie. I don’t know what I was thinking. I am very grateful I did not chose self-will over what I know is good for my body, mind, and spirit.

Self-Will vs. God's Will

Yesterday was a rocky day for me. For whatever reason, I wanted fries and a Coke Zero for lunch. What a combination! I had this thought stuck in my mind most of the morning. So what do I do? I get in my car and head to the nearest fast food restaurant – Wendy’s. I get about a block away, turn around, go back home, and eat the salad I had planned for lunch. Whew! Good job choosing God’s will over my own self-will. Sadly, this is not the end of the story. I go to the gym, have a great workout, drink my protein shake, and the craving starts up again. How insane is it that I want to eat fries after working out? No way! I’m driving so I pick up my phone to commit to my sponsor that I will eat my planned dinner. Surprisingly, she picks up. We had a nice chat and I make it home without stopping. I am so very grateful for the willingness to work my program. I usually feel really stupid and weak when I call my sponsor like that. But, hey, it works! The truth is that I am not stupid and weak. That is my ego talking to me and I don’t need to listen to my ego. My spirit and my HP are reminding me that I am a compulsive overeater and powerless over food. I am grateful I heard that message loud and clear. Thank you, Spirit, for another abstinent day!

Tis the Season

I am not very happy with myself right now. I went out to eat last night and did not stick to my plan. I do not eat pizza very often. When I do, I stick to my plan – two slices and a side salad. Well, last night, I had three slices of pizza. Not good. I know my first mistake was not checking in with my sponsor when I arrived at the restaurant. I know I was all caught up in having a fun time at the concert, the holiday music, etc. It’s still no excuse. I have a plan and I need to stick to it! I did recognize that pause before I reached for that third slice but reached for it anyhow. SELF-WILL. Right then and there I should I’ve picked up my phone and texted my sponsor. Instead I chose to follow my self-will. I wanted to be normal and just eat like everyone else. Well, guess what? When it comes to food, I am not like everyone else! I cannot start bargaining with myself about food. I rationalized that it was okay to eat that third slice because I had been to the gym. It doesn’t matter. I need to always, always stick to my plan. If I am truly physically hungry, I can always have a snack later. The truth is that I wasn’t hungry and I felt way too full after dinner. I am grateful that I stopped after three slices. I am also grateful I was honest and promptly shared with my sponsor that I did not stick to my plan. She was actually more understanding about it than I was. Progress, not perfection, she reminded me. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought when I saw what I ate for the day on paper. Yesterday showed me just how important those before meal check ins are when I’m out. I sometimes feel like they are unnecessary. It’s not even something that my sponsor requires. However, after what happened last night, I see how much of an impact that little quick action of picking up my phone and committing to my sponsor that I will stay on plan means. It reminds me that I need to be aware while I out and eating with normal eaters. It’s also a gesture that demonstrates I have turned over my self-will. Today is a new day. I’m turning over my self-will and working my program, to the best of my ability, just for today. While it’s fine to reflect on the past and see my opportunities, it’s also important for me not to beat myself up about it. The experience also helps me to help my sponsee as they go out over the holidays. It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment. I’m also very surprised that I just admitted it to my sponsor right away. I’m so done with B.S. I refuse to carry around any additional unnecessary guilt. I’m trying to get rid of the crap I already have. No need to add more. Today’s another day to get it right. Progress, not perfection!

Work In Progress

 

There’s more work to be done.  Lately I have been having HUGE urges to binge.  I’ve been craving potato chips like crazy.  Last week was a really rough week for me.  I had at least three incidents of crying for no apparent reason.  Yesterday, I think I started putting my finger on what’s going on with me.  A few weeks I saw a Facebook post my ex made to a mutual friend.  She mentioned that she was shopping for Christmas ornaments.  Resentment reared its ugly head.  There was a part of me that is so disgusted with her.  First of all, how many fucking ornaments do you needs? (Really none of my business)  Second, now that you’re greedy ass is buy more ornaments, can I have my mother’s and grandmother’s ornaments back!!!!! 

Yesterday, after hiking, we stopped by this little café that had a gift shop.  When I saw all the beautiful ornaments, I had this feeling that I wanted to cry.  This is when it all made sense to me.  I know those things are long gone but I guess deep down, now that the holidays are around the corner, I am mourning the loss of those things…and my mother.  I’m kind of pissed at myself because I thought this was resolved and I’d let it go.

Also, last night during a conversation, my cousin said someone asked about me and then asked about my ex.  He said he told her that I rarely mention ex these days.  I thought, yeah, that’s true but I still think about her.

The other day I was reading something (and I wished I’d bookmarked it) that said that if you, as an addict, find yourself questioning why a person behaves a certain way then it’s time to take a fourth step inventory.  In general, this statement really struck me.  Today when I was meditating, this statement reappeared when I was thinking about the reappearance of my thoughts about my ex and resentment.  I have to remind myself that she is a sick person.  Who knows why it was so important for her to do the things she did?  What’s more important is that I’m still suffering and in pain about something that happened over two years ago.  I must accept that she doesn’t give a shit.  I have my own sickness to do with.  I’m sure there are things that I did that hurt her.  Even though my actions may not have been as deliberate, I have a hand in this matter and it’s the only one I have any say over.

So, I will continue to work on dropping the rope, letting go of resentment, and forgiving her and myself.  I am also very grateful to know where these feelings are coming from so I can work on healing.

 

One Day at a Time

Having a really rough day today. I've had to resort to using my measuring cups and spoons to make sure I don't overeat today.  Part of me feels so defeated when I have to measure my food.  It is what it is. I am very grateful for the willingness to do the footwork.  I am also very frustrated with myself.  Why, oh, why am I craving potato chips?  I haven't had them in over two years and yet I have been thinking about them all week!!!!!  UGH!!!!!!!

All I can do is take it one day at a time.  For today, I will work my program.  I am powerless over food!

Humility

At yesterday’s meeting we read the 11^th tradition in the OA 12 + 12.  I’ve read this tradition several times but yesterday was the first time the tradition really clicked for me.  In addition to placing principles over personalities, the tradition is also about humility and spiritual fitness.  On page 196 it says, Humility is one of the essentials qualities we must develop in order to recover from compulsive eating.  Maintaining our anonymity at the level of the public media is one way in which we practice humility.  It’s one way in which we let go of personal ambition in order to keep ourselves in fit spiritual condition.

This passage really hit me yesterday.  As someone who has spent most of her life driven by self-will and ego, I can truly testify that working the steps has brought me a tremendous amount of peace and serenity.  While I can be fiercely competitive, I can now do this without the need to shine or stand out.  I do my best to think of “we” instead of “I.”  Living this way is so liberating.

I have also found that that things work out.  A great example of this happened a few weeks ago.  During our quarterly departmental meeting, I was recognized for my work on the Social Media team.  It was totally unexpected.  The truth is I can’t tell you how many times I was angry and upset over the past years that I did not receive a recognition award when I had worked my butt off trying to be recognized.  Sometimes I did receive an award, but the times I did not I was totally resentful about it.  I can’t tell you the last time I thought about receiving one of those awards and this one just fell in my lap. 

I know my abstinence is due to the hard work of others.  While I do the footwork, I do have many people who have support me – the people in my meetings, the people who lead the meetings, my sponsor, and all my OA buddies who I listen to me.  There is no way I could do this alone so I can’t take all the credit.  I also can’t think only of my recovery when there are so many others who are still suffering.  A few days ago someone posted something on Facebook that really spoke to me:

 

Insight Meditation

It’s been one week since I returned from my meditation retreat.  I’m still having trouble articulating what I experienced.  I’m having lunch with two people from my meditation group this afternoon so we can discuss it.

First of all, I am very proud of myself for going through the experience.  It wasn’t easy.  It also wasn’t as hard as I expected.  I did my best to stick to the schedule and do what I was told.  Meditating for 8 to 10 hours a day is no joke!  Being silent gives you no choice but to either observe your thoughts or participate with them.  I did a bit of both.  Days three and six were the worst.  In fact, on day 6, I participated with my thoughts so much I started hallucinating! It was wild!

I did gain some wonderful information that will help me with my meditation practice.  I also fully understand the Vipassana meditation technique and it confirmed that this is my preferred meditation technique.  The whole mind-body connection resonates with me.

I also gained some insights about myself.  The first one was that while I do have some awareness it is the subtle things I need to pay attention to.  In fact, I know this was a major opportunity in my previous relationship.  I let those subtle things go by that would have alerted me to my ex’s character (and possible mental illness).  I also realize I have a lot of self-doubt about what I truly believe.  My belief system has been so shaken and challenged over the past two years.  The last thing I started realizing right before going to the retreat is working on surrounding myself with like-minded people.  The more I surround myself with loving, supportive people, the more peaceful my life can become.

Tools of Recovery

I’m leaving for the silent 10-day meditation retreat in two days.  While I’m a bit nervous about it, I’m so looking forward to getting away for a while.  I’m tired and I do need to unplug.  I’m also sick of hearing about this election stuff.  I want to be an informed voter and actively engaged in the democratic progress.  However, I have to admit that lately it is causing anxiety.  I have to make sure I maintain as much calm in my life as possible.  Things have been pretty emotional lately.  I’ve been filled with self-pity.

It’s so true that keeping things in perspective is helpful.  Last night I had dinner with a friend.  We met in a plus-size yoga class years ago.  She was giving me a compliment about completing a 5K and my weight loss.  She has not been doing so well with her eating and weight.  She’s attended a few OA meetings with me but it’s just not her thing.  I would say she’s gained over 100 pounds since we’ve met.  I would guess she weighs over 400 pounds.

I wish there was a way I could support her more.  She started crying about not being about to control her eating.  I did my best to comfort her.  I told her the bottom line for me, when I reached 320 pounds, was that I just decided I couldn’t do it any longer.  I wanted my life and my health back.  I know it’s a scary thing but the fear about the road to recovery is not as great as the fear of being fat and sick all the time…at least for me.  Not really sure what I’m trying to say.  I guess what it all boils down to is that we have to come to that space for ourselves.  Until we do, we are in denial.  When we say we want to change, do we really mean it?  Are we ready to get down and dirty?  Or, are we still waiting for that magic pill?

I suspect my dear friend is still waiting for that magic pill. I can’t say I blame her.  It’s scary.  It’s hard.  I am no way near where I’d like to be and I know there’s still more digging I could and need to do.  There are days I feel like giving up.  There are days I do not give it my all. However, the bottom line is that it can be done.  I’m more afraid of what’s behind me than I am about what’s ahead of me.  Truth is…all I have to do is take it one day at a time.  We all can be shown the tools we need to get the job done but it’s up to us to do the work.

Retreat

This time next week I will be on my way to a 10-day silent meditation retreat.  I am so anxious.  Of course the compulsive overeater in me is worry about the food.  Will I get enough to eat?  What will they serve?  Will I like the food?  Whenever I travel, I feel this anxiousness about meals.   I know I will be out of my routine.  As my anxiety level rises, so do my cravings to binge.  Thankfully, this is a meditation retreat and all I will be doing in focusing on the present moment while learning to let go of all these types of attachments. 

This retreat is apparently popular within the 12-step community.  One of the guys in my meditation group, who is also in AA, told me about this retreat. He has been encouraging me to attend.   When I was at an OA retreat this spring, someone at dinner mentioned it.  I do find this comforting and confirming.  It’s not like I’m going to this place totally blind.  I’ve had the opportunity to chat with at least two people who are familiar with the retreat.  The guy in my meditation group was able to give me some very helpful advice:  request a cushion against the wall, bring your own water bottle, and pack some Advil for your back. 

I am really worried about my health.  My back hurts and I think I’m coming down with a cold.  I’m planning to get a flu shot tomorrow.  I wanted to get an adjustment today but my chiropractor is on vacation! Ugh!  Take a deep breath! Today I made up my mind if I’m not feeling better over the weekend. I am going to have to give up my spot at the retreat.  I’m praying for the best. 

Cravings and Closure

I’ve been a little off for a couple of days.  I’ve been having MAJOR cravings.  Sunday I seriously considered buying a box of Crunch and Munch.  So, yesterday, my sponsor asked me what I thought was triggering the cravings.  I didn’t have an answer for her. 

Today I have my speculations.  If it’s what I think it is, I’m so disappointed in myself.  I honestly thought I had moved on.  But…it is what it is.  I have to be honest with myself and face my feelings.  I have no control over them.  Anyhow, Friday when I was picking up my race packet I started feeling this overwhelming sense of panic.  I was within a mile or two of my ex’s place of employment.  I had this irrational sense of terror that I was going to somehow run into her.  It was bad!

Then, to top it off, the next day, due to the course change, we had to go by her previous place of employment.  I felt that same sense of terror and panic.  There was a huge part of me that wanted to stop right there in the middle of the street and start crying.  Why?  I really don’t know.  The best part was that it did help me maintain my pace.  I was tired and really wanted to stop.  However, I just kept running right past that building. 

This is crazy! I can’t spend my life avoiding certain parts of the city because they remind me of my ex!  I also can’t drown my feelings in boxes of Crunch and Munch!  This morning all I wanted to do was rush to the store and buy a box.  So, I’ll do the next best thing! Pray, meditate, write, and sweat it out!  Sweat therapy! I love it!  My back is still bothering me so I’m staying away from running.  I probably shouldn’t have tried to run on Saturday but it was very important to me to participate.  It will eventually pass.  This feelings will eventually pass.

I’m so looking forward to my retreat next week.  I am setting the intention right now that I can release these feelings and get closure once and for all. 

 

Two Years!

How funny is it that my sponsor had to remind that today is my two-year anniversary?  Lol! I really do not know what to say except that it's a miracle.  I never thought I could go two days without a box of Crunch and Munch or a piece of cake, let alone two years!

It has definitely been worth all the rough nights and tears. Who cries because she really wants to eat sweets?  Just goes to show you just how sick I was.

I am very grateful for my sponsor.  We've had a ups and downs.  Struggles of ego, power, and control.  She's the perfect sponsor for me.  I do know she can be overbearing but I realize it's her issue, not mine.  The most important thing is that she has what I want I am willing to go whatever length it is to get it. 

Has my abstinence been perfect?  No...but I can say I have not had one single bite of my favorite binge foods.  Every once in a while, my compulsion would show up -- too much caffeine, weighing myself up to six times a day, depression, etc.  Yet, I was too afraid to pick up those foods.

Through it all, I have learned that my addiction to sugar and certain foods is a spiritual ailment.  I am more convinced of this than ever before.  Right now I'm dealing with body image issues. In my mind, I am much better than I am.  While travelling, I was so worried that I wasn't going to fit in my airplane seat or that my seatbelt wasn't going to fit.  I bought a pair of pants that are too big.  I'm also starting to get self-conscious about my jogging.  In my mind, I'm too fat to run.

I know all be okay as long as I keep working the steps and being honest with myself.

Let Me Eat Cake -- NOT!

Today is my birthday.  It will be my second birthday with having a birthday cake.  I absolutely loved birthday cake.  I would buy a birthday cake even when it wasn't my birthday.  Then I discovered a place that sold birthday cake slice! Now, that was a great gift....NOT! 

I am on vacation visiting a friend.  I spent my birthday here two years ago and I one of my last "great" binges.  I ate a whole birthday cake.  I had just joined OA so it took me about three days to eat the cake instead of inhaling the entire thing in a day or two.  Anyhow, a month later I was blessed with the gift of abstinence.

So, today for my birthday I am going for a jog.  My initial goal for myself was to be able to job one mile nonstop by my 50th birthday.  I know I can comfortably run one mile so today I'm going to try to go for 2.5 miles.  Happy Birthday to me!

Self Will

I have not been doing so well lately.  Today I came within seconds of making a bad decision.  I went out to lunch with a friend.  I've been to this place a thousand times and know they serve potato chips with their sandwiches.  For whatever reason, I did not say, "no chips."  The whole time I sat there knowing my sandwich was being prepared and they were going to put chips on my plate.

The server comes and puts my plate in front of me.  I look at the bag of chips and toss them aside.  I start eating my sandwich, pick up the bag of chips and look at the calories.  150 calories.  Not bad, I tell myself.  I toss it aside again.  All sorts of thoughts are going through my mind.  "You can handle this.  It's been almost two years....one bag of chips isn't going to hurt...."  The more I wrestled with my thoughts about eating the chips, the more I realized it wasn't a good idea to eat them. 

After my meal was over, we sat and chatted, the bag of chips was still sitting on the table.  I even thought about taking the chips home to eat later while I was alone. As we got up to leave, I offered them to a friend and she put them in her purse.  I am very grateful I chose God's will over my own.

Making Amends

At this week’s meeting we read Step Eight in OA 12 + 12, I shared about putting myself on the list of persons I have harm.  I caused so much harm to my mind, spirit, and body.  One of the ways I am making an amends to myself is by limiting the negative self-talk.  I am also working on my relationship with Spirit, praying and meditating daily.  I am taking care of my body by eating healthy foods.  I am also exercising.  The other day while I was running and struggling to breathe I just instinctively said to my body, “I’m sorry.”  I was apologizing to my body for not taking better care for so long.  I would be struggling so much if I had done a better job.  However, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I’m going to continue doing my best to take care of me.  I’m going to love Sheila and make sure I put her oxygen mask on my first.  I know I caused a lot of harm to myself by putting others’ needs ahead of my own.  It was misguided.  It wasn’t like I didn’t love myself.  I thought I was being selfless.  I have now learned there’s a huge difference between selfish and self-love.   I love Sheila and I’m going to take care of her.  She deserves the best.

Why me?

Another rough day! All I could think about today was filling my mouth with some fruit candy.  First, my washing machine overload and flooded the place.  My carpet was soaking wet!  Then, I took the afternoon off only to have my appointment rescheduled for next week.

Woe is me! I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and then sprung into action.  I also went on Netflix and queued up a bunch of running documentaries to watch.  Thinking about my running brings me so much joy.  Thinking about how far I've come in my abstinence brings me joy. 

Focusing on things I cannot change would only drive me into the misery of junk food and a slow, fat, lethargic body. I'm sooooo done with that.  I do see how easy it is to slip into a food funk.  I am so grateful to God I have a responsive sponsor and a strong program.  Today I can end my day in abstinence despite today's mishaps.

Rollercoasters!

Today I have been on an emotional rollercoaster.  Not doing so well right now, having all sorts of food thoughts, just trying to ride this out.  All I can do right now is remind myself that I do not have to act on any of the thoughts I’m having to order a pizza or go to the store for junk food.  Instead, I’m using the tool of writing, praying, and waiting to attend an online meeting.

I had the most awesome morning.  I ran for nine minutes straight.  I can’t believe I have completed five weeks of my Couch to 5K training.  Only three more weeks to go!  I’m going to make it.  I just have to keep trusting in the program and making the effort to show up.

Celebrating Life

Fourteen years ago I watched the funeral home take my mother’s body away.  I immediately jumped in her car, went to an ice cream place, and binged until I got diarrhea. 

Today I trained for a 5K, went to a meeting, had fun with a friend, went to swim class, and honored my mother’s memory by celebrating life.  I am so grateful I am no longer in the misery of food.  I am very grateful for my abstinence.

July Check In

Today I woke up with such an overwhelming sense of peace…and pain!  I feel so much peace about who I am and where I am on my journey.  So glad I can go through challenging days and not binge over them.  I have been indulging in some self-pity.  I am just accepting that this is where I am and when I'm sick of it I will stop.  No matter how much I dwell on the past it is not going to change.  All I have is now and right now is not so bad.  In fact, it's pretty good.

Yesterday I completed Week Three of my Couch to 5K training.  I am looking forward to running for the first time in a 5K.  I can actually see myself doing it.  I remember the excitement and determination I felt when training to walk my first 5K.  I’m in a similar spot this time and I am going to enjoy it while I can.  The pain comes from my body.  Wow! I know my body is adjusting.  I wish I was about 30 pounds lighter but it is what it is.  If I waited for my ideal conditions, I’d still be waiting.  I’m going to work with what I have right now and it’s going pretty well.  I’m doing my best to rest, stretch, and ice my poor aching joints.  Lol!  I feel like a real athlete.

I’m going to make some adjustments to my food plan for the second half on my training because I plan to introduce my weight training.  My swim lessons start this weekend too.  I do feel my appetite increasing and I do not want to use this as an excuse to overeat.   My plan of action is to stay properly hydrated.  I suspect that I could be confusing thirst for hunger.  I have already starting limiting my consumption of carbs during dinner.  This has helped tremendously with the stomach upset I was experiencing after my walk/run workouts. 

I need to start doing some step work.  I've been doing the bare minimum these days (which could explain when I'm in such a funky space). 

Anger, Resentment, and Acceptance

Dealing with some anger and resentment this week.  Working on acceptance.  I found out my ex may be attending a brunch I was invited to attend.  I can't believe how much anger flooded into my spirit, anger and resentment I thought I had let go of.  This is the most frustrating part.  I'm more angry with myself than I am over the situation.

I wish I was emotionally mature enough to handle taking the risk of running into her but I'm not.  There's still a lot of pain and unresolved issues as far as that's concerned.  I thought I had accepted that I had accepted it.  I thought I had worked on getting closure.  Looks like there's still more work to be done.

This is why I'm angry with myself.  I wish I could move on like others.  My sponsor just says I need to accept where I am right now.  I just know I still feel justified in holding onto this anger.  However, it doesn't matter.  She's sick.  So what! So am I.

I just wish she hadn't been so cold and heartless, especially about not returning my mother's things.  This is what troubles me so.  I know they're long gone.  I just don't understand how she could be so cruel. 

Anyhow, there's a part of me that wants to show up just to confront her...but I won't.  It is funny to be on this side knowing what I now know. It's really fascinating to watch someone who has no clue I really know what's up with her.

The bottom line is how she chooses to live her life is none of my business.  I just need to continue doing my best to keep my side of the street clean.  I am very grateful to God for helping me do this.

I'm abstinent.  I've started jogging.  I also signed up for swim lessons.  I'm excited and scared.  All I can do is continuing working on myself and leave the rest of that stuff to Spirit. 

Facings Fears

Things have been going okay for me.  My food is good.  I'm taking the time to measure my food and complete my food diary.  I had to put my scale away.  It's made me very anxious.  I was so tempted to take it out yesterday but I know I need to leave it alone.  I can't get caught up on that number.  I'm afraid I'll gain weight but I'm also afraid I haven't lost any weight.  Not losing puts me in a whole space of "why bother!" and I can't go there.

I also started my Couch to 5K training.  I'm so afraid of not completing it.  This is my third try but I'm determined to stay healthy and injury-free.  I was planning to start today but an OA friend came along with me two Saturdays ago.  If it wasn't for her, I'd probably still be procrastinating.  Instead, I started Week Two yesterday.

Today I signed up for ---drum roll---swim lessons! I'm scared and excited.  I've been thinking about taking swimming lessons for about three years now.  My first class is July 14.

Big Girl Panties

Today I thought about quitting the program.  Not sure where that came from.  I guess I just woke up and didn’t feel like facing the day.  I’m so grateful to Spirit I had the good sense to reach out to someone.  I felt better after sharing with x.  I really like her.  After that, I started cleaning just to get my mind on something else.  Considering I was up so early, I was almost late for work!

So here’s my theory, I was really off my routine way too long while on vacation.  I usually try to do at least two meetings a week.  I attended one meeting the entire time I was there.  I also was doing my regular check-ins.  Even though I was able to send my check-ins to my sponsor each even, I think it would have helped to physically take the time to write down what I was eating, write down a daily gratitude list, and write down my 10^th step inventory.  I will give myself credit for keeping up with my workout routine.

Another thing that wreak havoc on my program was eating out so much.  Truthfully, the last two days I could have cried.  I did not want to eat out but it was the best way to get together with my friends….meeting them in a central place after they got off work, etc.  There were days I had all my meals in a restaurant.   While I made healthy choices, mostly salads, it was way too much for me.   Eating out like that was too much like my old eating days.  I probably should have eaten at my Dad’s and then just socialized.

Now that I’m home it’s been a struggle to get back into my routine.  It’s a struggle to check in.  It’s a struggle to prepare meals.  It’s a struggle to stay focused on my program.  The fact that I hurt my back created a struggle to work out.   Lately I’ve just been a grumpy, self-absorbed mess.  I was able to get some great (and somewhat painful) feedback from the people in my meditation group.

I like what x said, just put on your big-girl panties.  She’s right….

So here I am putting on my big-girl panties.  Just for today, I will work my program to the best of my ability and make an appointment for an adjustment.

I also need to make sure I have a better plan of action for my birthday vacation in September. 

Chasing a Dream

Today I signed up for the Firefly 5K Run. The date of the race is October 6; my abstinent birthday is October 2. So, I'm thinking that if I remain abstinent, by the grace of God, it will be a great way to celebrate my second year of abstinence. I've tried the Couch to 5K twice and didn't make it past week four. I am praying that I will make it through this time. Actually someone I met an the OA retreat has really been encouraging me. She's the one who suggested I sign up for the race. It's nice to have someone with a similar experience helping me through this time.

For Today

I'm starting to get anxious about my trip home. I have three nieces graduating. So, there's going to be a lot of partying and food. Plus, I'll be out of my routine, etc. I'll do my best. I'm thinking I better find some meetings to attend while I'm there. My sisters and brother are starting to call about all the arrangements. Plus, I have friends and family members who want to spend time with me. I know I should feel flattered but it’s triggering a lot of anxiety. I want to please everyone. I’ll do my best. Last night I also remembered that I have an opportunity to do some amends while I in town. This is probably contributing to the anxiety too. I had a dream last night about my trip and being pulled in so many directions. People were upset with me and there was anything I could do about it. My trip isn’t until June 1. I’m just reminding myself that all I have to do is live and work my program for today, May 7. I understand people need to make their plans and they need to make sure parties and get-togethers aren’t overlapping. The girls each want to have their own party. So, I’ll do my best to spend time with as many people as I can but the bottom line is that I have to take care of me. Self-care and working my program are top priorities.

Willingness

Last weekend while at the retreat, I asked Spirit for willingness. I sent my intent to manifest the willingness to do whatever it takes to recover. I was so happy that God blessed me with the willingness to workout every day this week. I’m beginning to get back into my exercise groove and it feels good. This morning while meditating Spirit pressed upon my heart the notion that I have to release some food items that are beginning to become a problem for me. I heard the message but didn’t think too much of it. As I was gathering my things to leave for this morning’s meeting, I saw my Serenity coin on my dining room table. I took it to the retreat with me because my sponsor gave it to me and I wanted her there with me. I again thought about what Spirit had said to me about those items. I argued that I really don’t have a problem with them. It’s not like I have them every day. However, I grabbed the coin, put it in my pocket, and left for the meeting. On the way to the meeting, I see these Girls Scouts waving signs that say “Last Chance.” Ha, I think, my Higher Power certainly has a sense of humor. I was like, I’ve given up soooo much. I then began thinking about all the wonderful gifts I was given during the retreat and while I’ve been in OA. I sat through the meeting fighting back tears. I shared with the group that I was very emotional today and that I was so glad that I could share anything with them. I’m so glad I am not alone on this journey. So, I’m adding those items to my list of foods. I feel kind of sad about it – which confirms they were a problem. They are contributing to physical urges/carvings, mental obsession, and I do not want that in my life. For example, I just went to the store and had to tell myself I am no longer buying them. What are they? Dried ranberries! Stupid dried cranberries! The other day I heard myself negotiating about when and how to eat dried cranberries. As soon as I did that, the red flag was raised. The other day I bought a single serving of granola with cranberries just to check to make sure. When I did that, I knew I was in trouble. So, it’s official. I’m off cranberries! I’m a little pouty about it but I’ll get over it. I do want to end by thanking Spirit for blessing me with the willingness to be honest.

Recovery, Relapse, and Spiritual Awakening

I had plans to write more on my thoughts about the retreat. This morning I was listening to a podcast that really spoke to me. A woman was sharing about a vicious cycle of recovery and relapse. It was profound that she finally realized that her abstinence was nothing more than a diet or following a food plan. True recovery, she said, is so much more; it is a spiritual awakening. I found so much comfort in her words. I know that God has blessed me in this area. I have no fear that I will return to my binge foods when I rely on Higher Power, instead of willpower. While I do need to continue to work my willingness to measure my food and watch portions, I am so happy I am recovered from that sugar fog. Now, this is not to say I do not think about those binge foods from time to time, I do. Just the other day a saw a box of Crunch and Munch and sighed. Would I buy a box? NO! There is no way in food hell I would touch that stuff. I’m totally convinced I cannot handle it. I’m also totally convinced that this is a miracle. Anyhow, today I was reminded that staying spiritual fit is the key to my recovery. Abstinence and spiritual recovery are two different things. If I am not careful, I could see my abstinence or food plan as a diet. Doing so could lead to a relapse. It is my desire to have total spiritual recovery. When I have this gift, God will take care of my food/eating.

The God of My Understanding

Another issue that came up for me during the retreat was God/Higher Power. OA is a diversity group. It’s very important that people respect the way other people choose to believe. Well, since people are people with character defects, this is not always the case. It became very important to me remind myself to practice principles over personalities this weekend. I had to do my best to create boundaries and remember to practice the spiritual principles of the program. There were some incidents that occurred that made me very uncomfortable. In some cases I removed myself; in others I remembered to take what I needed and leave the rest there. I find it so hard not to judge people who feel they need to push their belief system on me. I have my own beliefs. I have a relationship with my Higher Power, Jesus, G-d, Father/Mother, Buddha, Creative Intelligence, Spirit, Allah, take your pick. Funny, as I write this, I think about a piece I heard on the radio about the anniversary of the Rodney King beating. I think of Mr. King’s words: Can’t we all get along? In the rooms, we’re all in different stages of recovery and spiritual growth. However, the religious/spiritual stuff did trigger certain issues for me. I had to remind myself that I am almost 50 years old. I am free to choose to have conscious contact with the God of MY understanding – not my parents’ God, not my sponsor’s or sponsees’ God, not the retreat organizers’ God – MY God. Most important, I don’t need to flaunt my beliefs or defend them. As I shared over the weekend, for so long food was my Higher Power. It feels so good to have a Power greater than myself that is restoring me to sanity. My food god caused me a lot of pain. Today, the God of my understanding brings peace into my life. I pray for this sense of awareness for all OA fellows. I can only do my part to honor and respect others and their understanding of Higher Power/God.

Being Grateful

I had a wonderful time at the retreat this weekend. The first night we were asked what we wanted from the retreat. I asked for willingness. More than anything, I pray for the willingness to do whatever it takes to recover. It was so nice to be surrounded by people who gave me so much hope. There are many people out there working their programs to the best of their abilities. It lets me know that if they can do it, I can too. The most profound thing I took away from the retreat is to be grateful for where I am in my program. So often I am frustrated with myself because I feel I should have dropped more weight by now; I should be more peaceful; I should be less anxious around certain foods; I should be able to eat certain foods and stop at a healthy serving, etc., etc., etc…. The reality is that there are plenty of people who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I have been blessed with the gift of abstinence….no more slices of cake, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, Crunch and Munch, jelly beans, Mike and Ikes, Sour Patch Kids, potato chips, cheesecake – none of that stuff. It will be two years, by the grace of God, in October. There’s no way in food hell anyone could have convinced me I’d be able to stop eating that stuff up. While I know there is so much more I can do in my program, I will do a better job at giving myself credit for allowing God to do what I could not do for myself. It took a certain amount of surrendering to get where I am today. For this, I will be forever grateful. Through God’s amazing grace, gratitude, and the willingness to work my program, I will get to that place of serenity and the healthy body weight that I desire. My sponsee shared this with me this morning. It was right on time! I committed to not weighing myself this month and did not keep my commitment. Right before going on the retreat, I weighed myself. I’m not sure why. I just couldn’t take the anxiety. Anyhow, I also weighed myself when I returned. So I’m moving forward and staying off the scale until June 1. I cannot let some number dictate how I feel about myself. I allow that number to tell me if I’m going to be in a good or bad mood, if I’m going to like or dislike myself for the day, if I’m going to eat or not eat in a healthy manner, etc. Enough with the madness!

Retreats

Off to an OA retreat this weekend. I'm sharing on Step 10 on Sunday. My vacation time was approved so I'm going on a ten-day meditation retreat this fall. Ten days of Vipassana Meditation and Noble Silence. I'm so looking forward to this experience.

Have No Fear....

I’m feeling fearful right now. I’m speaking on Step 10 this weekend. I really need to buckle down and prepare. I don’t like to “overprepare” but I do like to have an outline of the points I’d like to make. I haven’t done it. I made a few notes last week and I have no idea where they are. Can you say self-sabotage? I’m anxious about speaking before a group bald. I keep reminding myself that it’s not about me and not to take this so serious. I’m going out after work to purchase a hat, just in case.

Step 10 and Other Stuff

Having trouble sleeping so I decided to get up and catch up on the blogs that I follow.

My program is going well. I need to work on fine tuning my food plan. I have a tendency to get the same foods over and over again because they're safe and I do not have to do much thinking about my meal. However, then I get myself in a jam. While I know food is not supposed to be entertaining, I then get bored with what I'm eating which prompts the urges to binge. At least I'm aware of this. It's half the battle. The other half is doing something about it.

Anyhow, I started this entry to write about Step 10. I've been asked to speak at the end of the month. Not sure what I'm going to say. I guess I'll begin by praying for the wisdom to know what to say and how to say it. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to be of service.

Since this is turning into a hodge podge entry, I'll also mention that I'm not weighing at all this month. This has been tough. I usually weigh weekly, sometimes when I'm anxious, I jump on the scale daily, often, multiple times a day. Anyhow, I decided to release the scale this month and focus on working my program. It hasn't been easy. I'm so tempted to take a peek. However, I want to stop allowing that number to dictate how I feel about myself and the way I'm working my program. I see this as a greater commitment to work Step 3.

Top on my list is to be free from compulsive overeating. I want the promises. I'm getting the promises. Today I felt so free. I know part of it has to do with my meditation practice. I'm gaining so much insight and awareness about myself and my relationship to God.

The Bachelorette

I’ve already shared this with someone this morning. I promised to do some writing and share it with my sponsor. Tonight I’m going to a bachelorette party. I woke up this morning thinking I will save all my eating until the party tonight. All I could think about was the food that’s going to be there. Feeling totally disgusted with myself right now. WTH? It’s not about the food! It’s about having a good time with my family of choice and their friends as their daughter is preparing to get married on Saturday.
I understand that part of what is prompting the food thoughts is social anxiety. I’m not going to know most of the people there. I’m not good at social settings. Ex was great in a room full of strangers so I could follow her lead. Now that I’m flying solo, it’s a bit challenging for me. I don’t want to start eating and drinking because I’m not at ease.

I also feel kind of bad because my friend knows me. She already sent me a text that I better show up. I don’t want her worrying about me when she should be playing hostess. Even though she said she already has enough help, I try to find something to do.

I keep reminding myself that it’s not about me. I need to come up with a solid plan. Do I skip dinner and consider eating at the party a meal? Do I eat dinner at home and skip eating at the party? I could eat a small salad here and eat a bit at the party…. The things a compulsive overeater worries about it!

Bald Barbie

I shaved my head last Saturday. It was the most liberating thing I’ve done in a while. I am going through a grieving period about my locs. I loved my locs. However, I have to be realistic. My hair has not been healthy for quite some time. No matter what shampoo, conditioner, etc. I used my hair was still breaking; looking dull and brittle. Plus, those bald spots were getting larger.

I’m getting used to my new look. Today a friend took me to the M.A.C. counter at Macy’s. I haven’t worn makeup in over 20 years! I kind of had fun trying on makeup. I purchased an eyebrow pencil and some sheer lipstick. I guess this will be part of my new everyday look. I am learning to go with the flow and taking it one day at a time.

Acceptance

So, I log into Facebook and see that a high school acquaintance has updated her profile picture. She’s bald and beautiful! She goes on to explain that she has Alopecia and has finally decided to cut her hair and embrace her condition. I found this so courageous and inspirational!

I have Hashimoto’s Disease which causes me to lose my hair. Well, actually, it’s probably more from the side effects of Synthroid. It eventually grows back but over the past three years the growth has been thinner and thinner. I thought about shaving my head back in 2008. Now I have this new sense of inspiration to embrace the fact that I am slowing losing my hair and just shave it off. I don’t even want to wear a wig. I’ll just be bald and beautiful!

I sent her a message. It turns out that she also lives in the Atlanta area so we’re going to get together to chat about her journey. Spirit is awesome. You never know why people are in your lives. I see this as part of my journey of recovery and learning to accept life on life’s terms. So, today, I am taking the first step and sharing this with a few people. So far the response has been awesome! It is truly a blessing to know that there are people who love you for you.

Karma

I spent some time this morning praying and meditating about how to best share my story on justifiable anger. I really want to speak from a place of experience, strength, and hope. I know that if I come from a place of Thy Will be done that I will be of usefulness to someone.

I found myself having to stop and pray and go meditate because there are still residual seeds of anger still present.

I also did some writing this morning that I won’t share here. It occurred to me that all the details do not matter. The details have the makings of a Lifetime movie or an episode on Snapped. This is just how surreal and frightening this whole situation was to me. What does matter is that I was extremely hurt by this individual. She betrayed my trust. She lied and manipulated. She was extremely cruel, deceptive, and unkind. I felt I had a right to be angry with her.

The truth is that I do not have a right to be angry with her or anyone else. What happens is best left up to God and Karma to resolve. If I want to recover, I must release all the anger I feel about the situation. I also need to acknowledge my part. I am not without blame. I am not a victim. It is also true that she is pathologically ill. If anything, I must demonstrate love and compassion toward her. Plus, it really wasn’t about me so I shouldn’t take it so personally. Accepting this really hurts because I thought I meant something to her, I thought we were friends. This, more than anything, really hurts me to my core.

I am very grateful I can look back at it all with a sense of peace. I will be forever grateful because it brought me to the place I am today. I probably would have never given up on that relationship. I wanted it and her so badly. However, today I know I deserve so much more. She never really had much to offer. I don’t have to be in a relationship with someone who expects more than she is willing to give.

I was ready to end the relationship five years before this all happened and I let her talk me into staying. That also pissed me off. I was willing to give her another chance but when it came to me having another chance for whatever reason she thought only of herself. But, I do not regret it. I still believe in treating people the way I wish to be treated. If they do not receive it in love, that is their problem not mine. The law of Karma works for so-called good as well as so-called bad. What I put out into the Universe, will come back to me also.

Speaker Meeting: Justifiable Anger

Speaking at a meeting next Saturday. I've been praying about a topic for weeks and today I received my answer -- justifiable anger. I am very grateful to Spirit for guidance on this topic. It's right in alignment with what I have been working on in my meditation group. I just found the perfect reading too. It's a piece titled Justifiable Anger in OA's Seeking the Spiritual Path. I just starting taking some notes on what I plan to share. I'm sure I'll be back over the next couple of days to process it.

No Magic Pill -- Part Two

Sometime ago a coworker asked me how I lost weight. She seemed disappointed when I told her it was due to OA and exercise. I remember walking away thinking, sorry, there’s no magic pill. Well, I saw her today and she looks great! She’s probably lost about 50 pounds! I didn’t recognize her when she walked into the conference room. I have to admit part of me was so jealous. I thought, whatever she did, I want to do it!

I thought about it during my drive home. Then it occurred to me. We’ve been working together for 11 years and I’ve seen her go up and down. I remember that she’s been this size before. It’s none of my business how she got to that size. All I know is that I need to stay on my path. While she may have found a magic pill, there’s no magic pill for me. My problem goes beyond the food and weight so I need to stay the course of working the steps and following my food plan.

Insight: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Just finished sharing with one of my meditation buddies…. He wanted to follow up on something we discussed during my Tuesday night talk. We were talking about how to create and maintain healthy boundaries without anger. For me, anger has been the catalyst for my boundaries.

Yesterday while I was sitting, it occurred to me that I forget to mention something very important that I learned in therapy last year. While I paid a great amount of attention to my ex’s words, I was not being as attentive to her behavior. This was a huge opportunity and breakthrough for me. Not everyone has the same level of integrity; they don’t mean what they say. While this was my value, it definitely was not hers. It’s not a judgment. It is what it is. For whatever reason, she’s a compulsive liar (and some believe may be a sociopath.) Anyhow, this is where it gets tricky for me because I need to figure how to pay attention, create healthy boundaries, and not feel this resentment that I’m someone’s babysitter. I know it will be better. She was just a master manipulator. She complained that I treated her like she was 12 yrs old. I gave her what she wanted and she couldn't handle it. This is the bottom line with that relationship. I’m so done with that.

Another thing that came up was that behind all the anger is fear. I'm afraid my ex probably never loved, appreciated, or respected me. I'm also afraid I never loved, appreciated, or respected myself enough to allow myself to be duped and manipulated.

I'm still so very grateful for the lessons I am learning. My relationships with people who do truly love and care for me and vice versa are so much better. I no longer waste my time with lopsided relationships.

This process also applies to myself. I want my words and actions to be in alignment. Working my program, working the steps is all about right relationships with myself, God, and others.

Insight: Anger and Resentment

Lately no matter where we start in our discussion (tonight we started with impermanence and integration) we end on anger and resentment. We had a great discussion tonight. Left remembering one thing – it’s all based on fear. While I am very angry for loving someone who was so deceptive, I am also afraid it could happen again. As I shared tonight, while I am no saint I do feel like I did all the “right” things. I did my best to address red flags, express my feelings, ask questions, work on myself, compromise, create boundaries, etc. If I could invest all that I did in a relationship and still end up where I am today, I do not know what else I can do.
Truthfully, I don’t even know what I can learn from the experience except never to trust anything that comes out of anyone mouth. I don’t want to live like that. Yet, I don’t want to be stupid and gullible again either. So, I find the middle way, balance, somewhere in between both extremes, which is where I thought I was in my last relationship. This is why I’m so confused.
I have to constantly remind myself that it is not a bad thing to trust another. You should be able to trust what your partner is saying to you. However, I also need to pay better attention to what the person is doing. Actions speak louder than words. Here is where my opportunities lie.
So this week we are focusing on Metta Practice. I pray this helps. I have been doing better in my waking state. Now, the anger is manifesting in my dreams.

J says I need to stop blaming myself, stop being so hard on myself. I really didn’t think I was blaming myself. I thought I was simply accepting my part in the situation in order to clean up my side of the street. I understand why he said what he did. B thinks I should read this book called The Socialpath Next Door. I just read the description and it gave me chills because most of this describes my ex:

In the pages of The Sociopath Next Door, you will realize that your ex was not just misunderstood. He’s a sociopath. And your boss, teacher, and colleague? They may be sociopaths too.

We are accustomed to think of sociopaths as violent criminals, but in The Sociopath Next Door, Harvard psychologist Martha Stout reveals that a shocking 4 percent of ordinary people—one in twenty-five—has an often undetected mental disorder, the chief symptom of which is that that person possesses no conscience. He or she has no ability whatsoever to feel shame, guilt, or remorse. One in twenty-five everyday Americans, therefore, is secretly a sociopath. They could be your colleague, your neighbor, even family. And they can do literally anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt.

How do we recognize the remorseless? One of their chief characteristics is a kind of glow or charisma that makes sociopaths more charming or interesting than the other people around them. They’re more spontaneous, more intense, more complex, or even sexier than everyone else, making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally, sociopaths are different because they cannot love. Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they are indifferent to others’ suffering. They live to dominate and thrill to win.

The fact is, we all almost certainly know at least one or more sociopaths already. Part of the urgency in reading The Sociopath Next Door is the moment when we suddenly recognize that someone we know—someone we worked for, or were involved with, or voted for—is a sociopath. But what do we do with that knowledge? To arm us against the sociopath, Dr. Stout teaches us to question authority, suspect flattery, and beware the pity play. Above all, she writes, when a sociopath is beckoning, do not join the game.

It is the ruthless versus the rest of us, and The Sociopath Next Door will show you how to recognize and defeat the devil you know.

Holy Shift: The Importance of Mindful Eating

As I shared on my other blog, I have been getting all sorts of gentle nudges from Spirit about mindful eating – tweets, forwarded emails, my sponsee mentioned mindful eating in one of her check-ins. So, yesterday I committed to eating one meal a day mindfully.
I chose yesterday because I knew I would be able to share my experience right away with my meditation/ discussion group. I had mentioned mindful eating the previous week. I shared how I found the experience both enlightening and challenging. I realize how much I miss by not paying attention while I eat…I’m usually working, reading, watching TV, or talking to someone. The challenges I found were being afraid to truly enjoy the meal. The compulsive overeater in me is really afraid to enjoy food as much as I did pre-OA. The other challenge was time. It takes a great deal of time to enjoy the sights, sounds, and tastes of a meal. I tried the exercise during lunch. I’m sharing in my group about how I only have an hour for lunch and I finally gave up and just ate the salad my “normal” way…so J says, if your hour was up, maybe you’re just done with the meal. What? I thought holy shift…this is exactly what a normal eater would do. It’s the compulsive overeater in me who feels I have to eat everything on my plate. I was so grateful for this feedback. So, I’m going to try this approach today.

Here are the tips I’m using from The Importance of Mindful Eating Blog:

• Set an intention before my meal
• Focus on the food
• Put the fork/spoon down between eat bite
• Chew food thoroughly
• Consider eating in silence
• Enjoy food without judgment or criticism

Recovery Update

Recovery is going pretty well these days. I have been working on releasing resentment and staying present. It’s been a slow, painful process but it has also been rewarding. It’s extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you loved with all your heart and soul could dismiss you like trash. Then, on top of all that, I learn about betrayal. I feel so stupid. When it’s all said and done, I am VERY grateful. My prayers were answered. I always wanted to know her better. I cannot be upset that what I learned wasn’t what I was expecting. It’s all about acceptance.

This experience has brought my capacity to love to a new level. Not only did learn some things I may not have wanted to learn about her, I also learned many things I didn't want to learn about myself. There’s no way anyone could have told me I had this much patience or self-control. I cannot believe I was able to keep my ego in check. However, I have to remind myself I am dealing with dis-ease. I can only do my part.

Day 9: Healing the Heart

I love today's meditation. It brought me to tears:

The four needs of the heart are attention, affection, appreciation, and acceptance. The heart is a perfect tool that lets you know how you are feeling and if its needs are being met. In today’s meditation, rather than sorting out all the ways in which our needs are not being met, let’s drift our awareness to our connection to source, spirit, the universe, divine awareness, God . . . or whatever term you prefer for the infinite realm of creation. Let’s bring some attention to all the needs that are being met in our life. From there, we will have a strong foundation for gratitude and healing to unfold.


I know there's a lot of healing that still needs to go on in my heart. I am very grateful for all the love I have to give and receive.

Day Six - Truth. Knowledge. Bliss

Today's meditation was all about mantras and affirmations. I love them. They work wonders for all the negative chatter and toxic self-talk that goes on in the mind.

I love how practice meditation is bringing about greater awareness of this destructive inner dialogue that's going on. Half the time I am not even aware of the thoughts that are going on. Being able to become aware of it and turn it into something more supportive is awesome.

Peace, Peace, Peace - Day Five

Today's meditation was right on time. It was about releasing negative patterns and addictions. I like the discourse that went along with today's meditation that pointed out that we are all addicted to something. If it isn't a substance, we are addicted to the need for approval, control, perfection, etc.

I remember last year at the OA retreat someone mentioned that we are all born with a God-shaped hole. Some people fill it with God while others attempt to fill it with alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, relationships, etc. I remind myself of that God-shaped hole often and seek to only fill it with peace and love. Only one thing can fill that “hole” and make me whole: God.

I am very grateful for the gift of peace meditation brings into my life experience.

Making Peace with Stress - Day Three

A vibrant, healthy body; a quiet, peaceful mind; and a joyful spirit….Namaste!

Today's meditation was challenging. The body was tired and the mind kept wandering. I do want to keep in mind setting the intention to be at peace and in the present moment. I realize I waste a lot of energy being tense. I also realize this stems from being too attached to outcomes. I am not in control of anything. The sooner I accept the fact that I am powerless, the more joyful (and healthy) I will be. Stress has truly wreaked havoc on my spirit, mind, and body. I am so very grateful to God that I am returning to wholeness. My overall sense of well-being means I can live my life in peace and serenity. I want no-thing more and no-thing less. I deserve peace.